The Path Towards Thriving | Living Hands Free
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Throughout 2014 I'm planning to blog about my One Little Word journey as I investigate what it means for me to thrive. I don't have a set schedule in place but will share as I identify areas, recognize strengths or weaknesses, ask questions, learn lessons, and hopefully make life-affirming choices along the way.
No. 1 | I believe that for me to thrive I need to live a less distracted life.
"You know we're going to have an intervention about that soon right?"
We were sitting on the couch after dinner, chatting and getting ready to play a couple rounds of Mario Bros on the Wii.
Darn it (that's not really the word that came to mind but you get the point). "Yes," I replied and felt a wave of shame wash over myself.
My connection to the phone and the online world is powerful. It's where most of my work-life exists (I'm on the type-A, take-care-of-this-right-this-very-minute, obsessive end of the personality spectrum), where many of my friends exist, and to be honest, sometimes some of my self-worth is mixed in here too.
I put my phone face-down on the couch next to me and turned to face him, "I know."
In my head I could rationalize it. I was waiting for him to get things set up. I was probably checking my email one more time because I'm responsible and I pride myself on being accessible and taking care of stuff immediately or I was peeking at Facebook seeing if any responses were needed or if there was a comment on a photo I'd recently posted on Instagram.
But I knew he was right.
I need a major iphone boundary check.
Another evening we had a discussion about parenting after Anna refused to put her coat away. She was exhausted and defiant. I was exhausted and not ready for battle because it seems like battling is all we do lately. During the discussion he said he thought she was mean to me. He had watched, unsure where to step in and when to step away.
It was a good talk about who we are and who we want to be as parents. I listened carefully, trying hard not to take anything too personally, listening instead for suggestions I could implement the next time an opportunity arose. It was hard and easy at the same time because I know what he was saying was coming from a loving place and that he was right.
As I reflect on how Anna and I have been interacting lately I think so much of it comes down to me being a distracted parent. Distracted by my work, distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the running list in my head, distracted by pressures both real and imagined, distracted by a million other things.
Damn.
I don't want to be this person. I know there are times when I've been less distracted but over the last couple of years I've become that person again and it's definitely time for a re-alignment.
I have lots of excuses for my distractions but really none of them matter more than my relationship with my kids and those closest to me.
It's time to start living that way.
I wrote out the above stories a few days ago as I started working on this post.
Since then I've taken a few steps forward and a few steps back. The simple act of acknowledgement - and for me this has been a growing acknowledgment over the past few months - is starting to result in me actually taking action.
One of the first things I'm doing is reading Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Mama. Rachel runs a blog of the same name that you might have seen me mention or link to in the past. She's a wonderful story teller and truth teller and is really inspiring life-changes by encouraging people to get connected to what really matters. I reviewed an advance copy of the book last year but feel like I'm really reading it for the first time now. And PS - this book isn't just about creating meaningful connections with your kids - it's about removing the distractions that keep us from deeply connecting with the people we claim to care about most.
One of the suggestions from Rachel is to go public about your intention to live Hands Free so here I am.
Hi, I'm Ali and I've been living distracted for far too long and I'm ready to let go and make a very meaningful change in my life.
Tonight I started reading a chapter book out loud to both kids in the evening. It's an opportunity for the three of us to do something together that doesn't involve a screen.
We're starting with Charlotte's Web.
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218 comments
This post, among other posts and other ways in which you maneuver through this creative universe, Ali, are inspirational to me. Thank you for sharing vulnerably and honestly. You're a cool cat. A class act.
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Thank you for your honesty
xo
being distracted is a constant struggle. I feel like focused attention is a muscle that has to be constantly 'kept in shape' or you lose it.
(we're reading the focus manifesto for my book club this month: http://lemonandraspberry.com/book-club/)
I did something similar last year, btw - blogging roughly every Sunday about some small BRAVE thing I did to keep me accountable AND to help celebrate the little things. I think you'll find this new blogging series helpful.
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Technology will take over your life if you let it. It is an addiction and needs to be treated as such. I am really sad about how people seem to be losing the ability to be present with the people they are with-all looking at their smart phones instead of connecting with each other. Kind of hard to build community when you are NOT present. Why would someone text a message to someone in the same room with them (I actually have seen this happen with teens)?!? Put your cell phone somewhere that is "off limits" for x amount of time. Maybe start off for short periods and extend it. I only check my email at most 2x a day, often only once. It can be done, one day at a time. Claw back to living your life as it is actually happening. You can't give your loved ones a better gift than being present with them.
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Thank You!
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I was just thinking about the same thing, and how to make the change to be more fully in the moment. As a SAHM, I feel I need space sometimes, and web-surfing or texting feels like my break. However, it needs to be limited. Seriously limited for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Happily, she is joyful, and well-adjusted. Want to keep her that way!
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Hi Ali. I replied earlier, but wanted to tell you I thought of you every time I was tempted to pick up my iPhone last night. While cooking dinner, during homework....I didn't realize how much I did it, until I consciously made myself aware when I was doing it. (Kind of like tracking everything you put in your mouth, my shock and horror of my little snack here and there.) And then I saw this, I though I'd share here...
http://www.artthesystem.com/2013/12/after-i-saw-this-i-put-down-my-phone.html
Have an amazing day! xoxo
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Add me to the list of people who were touched by your post. I found a quote, Just last week, that I wrote on my kitchen chalkboard...
"LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE."
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So hit home with me, Ali! I often tell myself "what's so darn important that it can't wait until tomorrow when they are at school?"They grow up so darn fast and I won't regret not answering an email or checking instagram later in life, but I will regret not playing a board game or watching a movie with them....they are so much more important to me!
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Hi! Thank you. I am the mom of five children, I work full time and find that I hide in my distractions. They make me feel like I'm seeing to myself, like I'm taking care of myself somehow- when in reality I'm really keeping myself separate from my family. I was challenged by a friend this past fall to really engage with my children, that when I did they I might not feel like fleeing all the time. At times it works and is amazing, though I must admit I still feel like running away to ... anywhere somedays. :-) And so we read books at the dinner table before we put away our dishes, we try a new park or outdoor area out about once a week and I practice taking deep breaths! Because I want to be the mom that stays with her children, that enjoys them and sees them as people. Thank you for your insights and encouragement!!!
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This book is on pre-order for me, so hopefully it's being sent to my house by now. I also have the exact same issues - obsession with being touch at all times, to the expense of my children, of taking care of our house, even of making dinner at times. My daughter and I battle daily about packing her backpack for the next day, taking her nightly shower, having good manners at the dinner table, etc., but that whole time, I have got my iPhone (or sometimes my iPad) in my hand. Something's gotta change. Good luck with Thrive! I hope you make some progress this year!
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THANK YOU ALI. I LOVED this post. I always love when you let us into your world. Thank you for sharing. NOW, stop reading my comment and go hug your kids! ;)
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My son (16!) and I spent 10 min before bed last night before bed outside on a blanket (wrapped in quilts) looking at the stars and talking. Our brains need time away from light and screens to settle down. My 23 yr old had suggested it! Loved it; going to try to do it more often, it would be a great habit. I live in Hawaii, so for us it is doable year round.
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As I read your post, I got..... stressed. I felt my blood pressure rise and my heart race because I RECOGNIZED MYSELF in EVERYTHING you said. Wow. Thanks for being so honest about it and calling it to my attention. I'm going to look into reading that book as well (sounds great). Charlotte's Web is soooo WONDERFUL and you will so enjoy that. I'm going to start a book with my kids tonight, too. For sure. Thanks for the reminder and the inspiration!!!
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This might be the best post ever. I'm really surprised at my own reaction to it. I was in tears by the end. Honestly, it's because I could have written this and I saw so much of myself in it. Wow, Ali. I'm not sure I would have the courage to be as honest in the online world where people can be so harsh and judgmental. Thanks for opening yourself up like this to people like me, who just need to read and feel the truth.
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Reading this, I feel both inspired and ashamed. I need to be less distracted too. Starting now. xo
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So much to say about what you just said, but I'll just say this... THANK YOU. So true. I was just having this discussion with my husband the other day when I realized we were both on our phones, watching Netflix on the couch. There was a time when we wouldn't have been doing either. Now we are consciously working on "unplugging" in order to improve the quality of our time together. The emails? Facebook? The other distractions of technology? They can all wait. Thanks for putting it down into words so eloquently. Good luck to you and thanks for the inspiration :)
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I hear you! It's hard to do just one thing when there is so much you need and want to do, as a working parent of young children. It does seem like kids do better when they see that we are focusing on them, Which in turn can help bedtime go better so then we actually get some time to ourselves. I say this and it sounds so reasonable, but it's hard.
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I needed to hear this. Thanks Ali.
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Excellent, and timely, post! I definitely allow myself to be too easily distracted by my phone...checking FB and emails and playing games. I am working to limit the time I spend doing those things and focusing my attention on all the projects on my very long to do list.
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[…] Free Mama. I happened upon this blog by chance, having followed a link from Ali Edwards‘ One Little Word post. I started reading Hands Free Mama and couldn’t look away. The first post I came […]
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