On Being Lost & Found
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I was struck by something last week as I was standing near my sewing machine, smiling to myself as I "cooked" some embossing ink with my heat gun.
Actually it's been a theme for me since getting divorced last year: reclaiming/reconnecting with the "fun" me.
In conversations with friends recently I say things like, "I used to be fun."
To some of them I say, "Do you remember when I was fun?" and to others I say, "You haven't even known me when I was fun."
To some I've said, "I feel like I'm coming home to myself. To that place where the old me and the me of today are meeting up and finally getting on the same page."
I laugh more. I feel lighter (physically and emotionally). I'm working on not taking things so darn seriously all the time (this is an ongoing battle). I smile easier. I'm much quicker to say yes to impromptu adventures.
I want to be living the length and the width.
This also translates to my creative life. I feel like it's been a long time since I've felt the actual heart-pounding delight - almost like a high - that comes from creative play. From making messes and experimenting and what if this goes with this instead of this. I felt that way today while I was working on Project Life. It was a letting go of perfection, of holding on too tight. I was also simply taking the time to allow for fun within the realm of the creative things I do already.
I think it's also a reason I haven't scrapbooked as much or shared as much of my story in this space. I'm finding my voice again bit by bit (Who was I before? Who am I now?). And I think reclaiming the "fun" me is definitely a part of it.
I still feel lost at times. Scared. Unsure. Sad. Just this past week I had "one of those days" that essentially boiled down to me needing to be reminded that I need to find happiness within myself first and foremost. That I have to own, all the way through my bones, that I really am enough.
Music has been a great catalyst of fun for me. I have a physical reaction to music. We play it loud in the office. I play it loud in the car. I've been attending and making plans to see live music. I've been making time for old and new friends and we laugh and drink and eat and make merry and listen to music and I remember the lighter parts of myself that existed before the layers of years and responsibility and stress and loss and experience - that whole crazy combination life that includes all the awesome stuff as well as the things that are really hard.
I've learned that I have to allow and create opportunities for myself to have fun, personally as well as on my scrapbook pages.
And I have to let go.
And I have to be open.
So here I go, trying to fearlessly live the length and the width, inviting in the fun.
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219 comments
Read this today with a little smile as my word for this year is fun. Trying to find it, enjoy it and also recognize it when it is happening. I am not sure how we lose the fun part when growing up, but am doing my best to have fun...not let other things like laundry and work get in the way.
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This is beautiful Ali! Thanks for sharing. I have found the same stuggles when dealing with my dad's cancer diagnosis (almost 3 years ago) and then dealing with 4 family deaths in 11 months (last year). It hasn't been until this year that I feel things are coming full circle and I feel more of myself. I've been forced to let go of things that I have no control over and just be greatful for what I have in front of me. Thus my one little word for this year, grace. It has been a stuggle but it's also so worth it too!
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You absolutely must listen to Katie Herzig if you never have! She has a beautiful song called "lost and found" and as I read your post I thought of it and wanted to share. Thanks for your honesty!
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"I remember the lighter parts of myself that existed before the layers of years and responsibility..." Wow!! Powerful statement. Ali, you continue to inspire me. I wish you lived next door. So glad you're finding your fun self again. I wish you the best!
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I did not went under loss or pain in the recent years, but all the loss and pain I've colected through my life has a big weight on my shoulders. I also trying to enjoy life more and live in the Moment, its a daily battle. thank you for your post, right to the Point and yet, so emotional. Gruß aus Deutschland, Iara
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After just having gone through a battle with breast cancer, I think I am more alive than I have ever been. Before this, I wasn't giving my "all" to everyone around me. I was busy, I was boring, I wasn't fun. But all that changed. I am healthy now, but I thought, "what if I lose this battle - what will my 5 year old daughter remember of her mama?" I didn't want her to remember the boring, too busy old me. Now we have fun - we dance, we play. When she asks me to "Come see", I go see and I actually "pay attention". My husband is still stuck in the boring phase, but hopefully he will see the change in me and roll with it. I am thankful for my battle with breast cancer, because it changed my outlook and I am a much happier, fun-loving person. And I love Brene Brown too
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Thank you Ali for putting the thoughts that were in my head on paper. We all have a journey in life...embrace it!!
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go ali! i'm so happy for you. :)
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Love this. As always. Can totally relate. I love your honesty, how you share yourself without being overly exposed. I used to have a much stronger voice in writing, but its been hard to get that across in blogging. Always a work in progress. Its hard to accept at the time, but I have a certain appreciation for how life's challenges sort of break us open a bit. My note from the Universe was spot on today:
"One of life's greatest arts, known only by the most adept seekers and revealers, other than synchronized whoo-hoo'ing, is perpetually considering what one has not yet grasped about themselves."
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Cool. Thank you. I always wonder how the Universe categorizes us with that first survey...
That was mine today too. Love those messages. You should also check out Danielle LaPorte - I get daily and weekly stuff from her. Here's what came today: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/inspiration-spirituality-articles/definition-of-happiness-and-why-its-different-from-joy/?inf_contact_key=39d6ec0bdab7ce9b895d19084b77a5d97a0053dd01b8fb890279bc3373d02c0c
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another beautiful post Ali. I'm sure many readers can relate on some level--may they change the word "fun" to some other adjective--but the feelings resonate.
I've always admired your ability to share your life and thoughts so openly. What I struggle with (that you seem to do so well), is taking photos when I am feeling crappy about something. What's bugging me may be something small or big, but it gets in the way of me capturing our lives at that time--leaving gaps in the storytelling.
Thanks for continuing to inspire me.
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Wow! That is exactly what I have been going through, but for a different reason. Life is just too short not to enjoy every minute. I'm letting go of the controls...and I feel free! All thanks to Him! You go girl!
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You are such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing!
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Ali,
You have been inspiring me for more than ten years now and so often I feel deeply connected to the messages you share. This one hit close to home as I too am trying to reconnect to a person I once was and have her merge with the person I am today. It's such a delicate and fascinating journey. So much love and admiration.
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Ali, we haven't talked in years - and you may not remember me - a fellow "crafty progressive" who took a few of your classes in Iowa and ended up publishing a couple of scrapbooking books of my own through the "Complete Idiot's Guide" series. Then life threw me a few curveballs, too, and I lost some of that magic that happens when you sit down at the crafting table.
Your words have inspired so many people. To document lives and tell stories. But I think most importantly, to be authentic. And in today's world, that can be a super scary thing.
I'm getting my creative mojo back, too, slowly but surely. And just last week, I finally found the courage to really tell my story (http://www.determinedtoshine.net). But it took a while, to be sure.
Thanks for being one of those brave strong women who shows so many of us, day after day, that being true to yourself is what matters most of all. :)
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Exactly where you are...lost myself along the way somehow and trying to get the old me to meet up with the new me. I gave up on fun and am seeking it out now, trying to be more spontanious too. Thanks for being so honest and open, good to know that I am not alone!
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AMEN AMEN AMEN! It's funny the different things we put on the shelf for ourselves out of obligation, expectation, practicality or just because we think we should -- I too am dusting some things off and trying things I've always wanted to do (dance class! me?! YES!)
My guiding star (like one little word) this year came to me -- YES! just like that too.
YES!
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Dance class is on my list too!
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This post hit home for me today. Last year I experienced a divorce of my own, from my corporate career. It defined me for 16 years and after our 3rd child was born I decided to stay home. I'm in major transition, struggling to keep my identity alive, fighting not to lose my creativity and trying to find satisfaction in being out of the collaborative environment that molded my identity for so many years. I'm grateful for a husband that is open to all my ups and downs as I go through the emotions of this transition. Open, accepting, gentle . . . these are words that resonate with me lately. Good luck with this new chapter in your life!
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Brave post! I often think I'm the only person who feels the ways you wrote about. Thanks for being honest and real and a source of inspiration. Happy Monday, Ali.
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thank you!!
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When I have "those" days I tell myself all the things we are suppose to tell ourselves... you are enough, etc etc... but then a friend said to me... Angela even Jennifer Aniston gets ousted from time to time and for some reason that made me laugh and took a bit of the pressure to be perfect off. SO there you have it!
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