On Being Lost & Found

Thank you for sharing this with us today Ali! As women and especially Mothers, so much is expected of us..we quickly lose our sense of adventure and "fun." We have to hold everyone together..whether they want us to or not..we do it..
But it's not so quick to reclaim our "fun"...it takes time..and the sheer fact that you're aware of where your heart is and where it wants to go is only positive and progressive for your soul. We women are always trying to progress even if we don't know it..it's getting silent in mind and heart so we can hear the directions. You're one cool chick!! xo

beautiful post, Ali. This is why I find you to be such an inspiration.

How do you always have the perfect words of wisdom and inspiration that I need to hear in my life. Sorry to know you have suffered. I hope you know you are a beautiful and fun person. Thank you for sharing.

Wow...of all your posts lately, this is the one I can relate to the most. I'm in the middle of the "lost" part. I feel like most of the time I'm living some other life, one that I didn't expect to, caught up in stress every day life with 2 little kids and an unemployed husband. They cause sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. There's no fun in my life right now. I used to be fun, I say that to my husband all the time. I'm hoping that I can come around soon, so I can have moments like what you're talking about, so that my kids can see that I am a fun person, that I'm not serious and sad all the time. Thanks for the insight Ali, it's nice to know we're not all alone in this world like we think we are when we're at our worst....living the length and the width...I like that.

Well...I think I am gonna have to print this one...I am afraid I am going to be at the beginning stages of this journey you have been on. I can "see" this is NOT going to be easy. But having this post will help get me through! Thanks Ali for sharing your inner thoughts and all! I really do pray I can be as strong as you have been!!!

Envision me raising a glass...to you, to open, to creative highs and fun Ali! Cheers!

Been divorced 2 years after a 13 year relationship. I loved reading this and I went through this as well. I loved the process of remembering who I was before I was married. For me, the first year was pretty sad and scary and then the second year was like, "Oh, this is who I was before! I remember now!" Merging the two people- the 22 year old me and the 38 year old me has been a great experience and I can honestly say I feel better than ever.

Your words so resonated with me. My husband and I seemed to have hung up our "fun" and spontaneous hats when we had kids---we still have fun but fun geared at what the kids will enjoy, what their passions are. And that is a good thing, to an extent. But not to the extent that we forget our own passions.

A couple years ago I wrote a bucket list, but not the traditional "places I want to visit" list. I had a lot of adventures before I had kids, and would like to have more, but I know those aren't what define my life. I was influenced by Anne Dillard's line: "how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives" and this great post by (the now departed) Leroy Siever's:http://www.npr.org/blogs/mycancer/2007/06/everyone_has_their_own_list.html

My comment has turned into a blog post of its own! Sorry. All I really wanted to say is that writing that bucket list of what I want my days to look like included LIVE MUSIC, something I completely let go of after becoming a mom.

I still miss Oregon's Britt Festival, but last year two of my oldest friends met me to see Ingrid Michaelson & Brandi Carlile at Red Rocks in Colorado, and this year my boys and I are going to see Michael Franti there. It's the kind of thing I normally would have said "someday, when we can afford it" but I'm making it a priority now, because I want, need, live music in my life.

Thank you Ali! You are amazing!

Ali -- I am so glad that you are using music! Music therapy exists for a reason! In 2004, a relationship in my life ended. I ended it, but it was still quite difficult to say goodbye to a wonderful man that I love, AND we are just not right for each other! I started DOING again. Part of the doing for me was music. I've always been a musician, and I found that part of me again. I grew into my grown up self and began to enjoy life. Then I found my soul mate. And I am lucky to share a child with this wonderful man that I was meant to be with. And the older child that I share with a different, wonderful man, is better for it because she watched me grow into myself and learn how to love me for me...I love your post. Your children will love seeing you learn about yourself in this way. You are teaching them a valuable lesson, while at the same time bettering yourself. What a beautiful thing to share with us, and more importantly, with your children.

Ali, I so get it. The last 2 years have been hell on earth for our family and things are finally starting to look up a little. I said that very thing last week to my co-workers of 1 year: "You haven't seen me at 100%, I used to be so FUN!"
So you know what my husband and I did 3 days ago? We left town to visit our 21-year-old son, all 3 of us went to a costume shop to get decked out, and we went to an 80s sing-along at a movie theater. We were the only ones dressed the part (which was even better) and we sang at the top of our lungs for 2-hours straight along with the cheesy 80s music videos. It was SO healing.
It's time to live out loud again and I wish you the very, very best in this journey!!

Signed. Feeling and experiencing the exakt same things these days. And yes, every single moment is worth it. Contributing to your very own story and your path called LIFE!

Loved reading this Ali, and can relate to that sense of 'awakening' and rediscovering myself, the old and new me. It is such a journey, this life of ours.

Beautiful post Ali and thank you for sharing a view into your life. It's refreshing to see not just the highlights but the true day to day stuff too. I'm surprised to hear you say you think you're not fun because if I had 3 words to describe you one would be fun. You give off an aura of fun and I pray you get to a place where you feel that within yourself.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have always been a very positive, spiritual and funny person until six and half years ago when my 28 year old son had a diving accident that left him paralyzed from the chest down. I had dreams of retiring soon and traveling (camping), but in the blink of an eye, my dreams ended. For the past six years I have been struggling trying to find myself again. My husband and I are his caregivers. He has constant medical issues. This has drained me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Like you, I have been trying so hard to find me again. My one little word is "faith" because I'm trying to find my faith again. I love music (any kind) and I listen to it to exercise, clean house or relax with a glass of wine. My greatest joy is my grandchildren. But most of all, I want to laugh and be positive about life again. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know you are such an inspiration to me. Thank you and good luck to you.

oh ali.... i don't know if you remember the email i sent out when i was leaving behind a relationship of 5.5 years... to living on my own... in a place where i didn't know many people (my island) BUT the 5 years after that were all about discovering me... enjoying just being me, and with me... it was a scary, sometimes lonely time... but so so so happy i went through it because the jenn that came out on the other side is more confident, knows "me" more, is a better friend for it. happy to hear you are taking more time for the silly times- those are very important ;)

I'm crying as I read this. Thanks for sharing. I have been going through something difficult the past few years and is hard to feel creative and happy again. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

you are stronger than you know!! go Ali go!

Hey Ali. I think I am going through a lot of the same emotions of finding my FUN self again. I laughed and teared up about your music connection with all of this, because I too find this a huge part of letting go and feeling again. Music used to be such a connection point for me (a violinist) but then I literally "gave it up", sold the violin and listened to all the outside voices of people in my life telling me there is no "use" for it if you aren't going to perform or make money playing. Stupid. Long story short, my son is almost 16 and I have been living through all his band experiences the last 6 years, and my heart ached SO bad to play violin again... so, guess what I picked up last week after not playing for over 10 years? I bought a violin. It was scary and I thought it would take a lot longer to relearn, but to my amazement, it really was a reserve of knowledge that has proven to me is purely held in my brain space for eternity. It came back last week so very fast. It really was a hole in my being and in my overall creativity that was missing. I got it back. I feel again. <3

A lesson for all of us. Thank you Ali for putting into words what so many of us feel. And also for reminding us to live.