On Being Lost & Found

YES YES YES! AMEN...Brava sister, brava!

thank you for sharing Ali. the older I get the more I think that our holes are places where the light can come in. praying that for you and your little family.

Thank you for being honest. For sharing your thoughts. Lost my husband in an accident one year ago. Feel as thought the "fun" me died along with him. You are a blessing and a great inspiration.

Love this! Thanks for sharing, and your pages are fabulous!!

Ali, I just stumbled on to your site and I am so glad I did. Congratulations on exercising your fun muscles. Your face is so happy you've discovered your joy again. I'd love to hear the podcast about creativity with Brene. I write about motherhood and creativity and would enjoy your conversation. Will you post about it here? xo Suzi

Thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently. Everyone handles grief and divorce differently (and divorce is a grieving process to me), and I can surely understand how it has affected you. The entire process causes you to ask yourself a lot of questions and search desperately to find all the answers; for me I wanted to learn what I did to contribute to the end of my marriage, even though I wanted to end it. Then comes the soul searching. Myself married very young, divorced with one child then, and then remarried for last 20 with a 2nd boy 12 years apart, I can say that I don't embrace my womanhood easily. The chores, stress, responsibilities, and demands are overwhelming, and I wonder how to do it all, and sometimes it's ugly. It is easy to lose yourself, because as women, we are everything to everybody first, especially to our children. no matter how much we love our family or job, you find yourself feeling defined by somebody's wife, somebody's mother, somebody's daughter. So many years pass and you think, "where did the spontaneous, laugh out loud, dancing barefoot person go? I'm boring or I'm uninteresting, or even I'm not happy with who I've evolved into and I'm tired." If music brings you joy, then you need to surround yourself in it, and all things, however small, that bring you joy. Beach or water is peaceful and it helps me, along with a good book and an ipod. I hope you document your journey and enjoy the process of redefining yourself. hugs.

I am just speechless after reading each of your posts. I too can relate to much of what many of you have said. I remember being fun. Heck, I was a maniac in high school and college. Now, too often, I let the responsibilities and worries consume me. Sometimes, I'm too tired to be fun or feel like I have too much to do. Do I even remember how to relax? Knowing that I am not the only one out there who struggles with this, motivates me to make time for it. Does anyone else find it just a bit weird to be connecting with people they have never met in person? For what it is worth, Ali, I thank you, I think we all do, for being such a "real" inspiration to so many every day. You make a difference and dang it, you are fun!

Ali, you are wonderful and brave! So happy to hear that you are gabbing life again!

Ali, Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been searching for. I, too, used to be fun. Due to a lot of responsibility and devastating losses, I have lost the ability to have fun. I am on the same journey as you to have the me of today come together with the old me. I will get there, but i do need to have some fun along the way. Again I thank you and pray that God will bless you along this journey that you are on.

So so happy for you.

Such an amazing post, Ali! I can relate to how your feeling... I went through a bad breakup about 4 years ago... Me and my ex were together from when I was 16 up until 22, so I didn't know anything different. While it was scary being single again, it was also exciting as I was able to discover who I was, and I realised how being in that relationship, I had become a shadow of my former self. I enjoyed the process of adjusting though... The independence, the new experiences, the travel, the time to relearn the things I love (reading, crafting, socialising, etc) was amazing. I'm sure you're still a fun person, but inviting more fun into your life is always a good thing :-) I'm sure things will work out better than expected!

You are "The" Ali Edwards ...and yet you share the journaling so many of us do not include in our books, never mind in a blog. In sharing your loss you validate the feelings of so many who are struggling. In sharing your 'fun,' you bring hope. Ali Edwards, You Are a Bucket Filler!

Ali
I thank you for sharing yourself, when i was going thru my divorce (and working in the scrapbooking world) I felt like the ONLY person who wasn't married, I couldn't even scrapbook for over a year... (except when required by work)... the tears eventually dried, the joy came back, the me whom I had lost resurfaced and yes, i learned to dance and sing and smile again. I honor so much that you are willing to share that light inside you :) and give hope to those who have perhaps lost theirs momentarily... keep being your awesome authentic self!!

So glad you are finding your fun, Ali (although you always have seemed fun to me) but I get what you are saying. I understand when you talked about letting go of the perfection. Hugs to you...I hope this only continues to get better for you! :) You are awesome!!

So true, Ali. You make me smile.

Oh Ali thank you for sharing this. I finished reading and realized that in 5 of the 6 past years i have been missing out on the "fun, lighter" me. Too much of my life involves stress, with stress the sad, uptight mean-mom comes out. I do not want to be that person anymore.
Good luck on your journey :)

Ali - you ROCK!!

Dear Ali my respects to you for having the talent to design and use a sewing machine as your work instrument.
I feel such a high and hype when I see women in this 2013-do-it-all-super-mamacitas-América having FUN or simple reswitching the ON button of that part of thy self. I am convinced ( I humbly quote the master Yoda of V-S Brene) that in the same way we are wired for story-telling, we are wired for celebration/creativity/leisure too. I applaud you amiga for your embarking in this odissey.. it inspires me a bit in my own journey to sanity in America...I confess In the past I used to admire all my American-born friends and think they all had this special Irish or European genetic make up or learned cultural strenght to give up (more or less) their fun selves to be this hyper ethic efficient workers/mamas/partners machines!!!!
At times I secretly resent (still!)how much we all do and think: Darwin honey there is no way we cant be designed to be these cortisol/adrenaline-driven bores kokotues over our children, bosses or spouses shoulders!!! . Then i feel grateful to have a lovable job, a hub and the incomplete life i have!! When I came to Boston from Latin America to grad school, I got so physically ill as in hospital sick.. Inmune crapola sick... I am positive that most of the transtion and immigration stress was related with the shock of feeling leisurely challenged!!!!! I couldnt believe how people were soooo responsible (ok a little stuck up too), so anal with time, soooo structure with recreational activities and last thinking that getting drunk in a pub was the definition of FUN. Surprise this lead to disconnection and too make this long story not as long..No wonder I got sick, we all do in our own ways!!.I stopped smiling even to myself for fear to be perceived as inappropiate. I stop dressing up ( tastefuly) or using the red paprika lipstick, or dancing .... Not good ....until after I got sick and started reaching out, trying looking back to where i got lost the best part of self (like you are now is I may dare to comment )seeking for inspiration in the "old moi" OPENLY DARING TO TRY NEW OR OLD THINGS!! Painstakenly I found updated culturally friendly ways to HAVE FUN more (in the once time-concious spiffy Boston that now I learned to tame and love).. Thats when I discovered you tube had videos of my favorite music of the 80's wonderful to combat the drudgery of clinical paperwork. I also came to love SPANX, Saturday Night live, Zumba, wearing colorful earrings, and it came back to me I started smiling to myself and others. It was right there in the the parking lot when picking up the kids or in the classroom. Its funny then they started to tell me about the beauty of my accent, (what?), they introduced to my great husband, invite me to their homes and to enjoy monthly pot lucks breakfast with the mamas...and the FUN keeps coming !!

P s When I smell we are getting on a spontaneity fun rut I dare by all means and as much as possible to move from that space of shoulds and could... It helps a bit to dust off that thing and avoid loosing it totally!!!
. !

I am doing the same thing. it is hard work. it can be scary. I need to dig down deep to find that cheerleader in me that believes in me and who will never give up on me. I wish you all the best in you work. thank you for sharing.

Ali,
I love your blog and your Project Life layouts. I aam. 66 years old and I often think that Ali is not "living" her life but is just a bystander recording it.
I think you are finally coming to that realization. I have four sons in their 40's and they rarely if ever look at old photo albumns or their baby books. They are living in their "today".