The Path Towards Thriving | Living Hands Free
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Throughout 2014 I'm planning to blog about my One Little Word journey as I investigate what it means for me to thrive. I don't have a set schedule in place but will share as I identify areas, recognize strengths or weaknesses, ask questions, learn lessons, and hopefully make life-affirming choices along the way.
No. 1 | I believe that for me to thrive I need to live a less distracted life.
"You know we're going to have an intervention about that soon right?"
We were sitting on the couch after dinner, chatting and getting ready to play a couple rounds of Mario Bros on the Wii.
Darn it (that's not really the word that came to mind but you get the point). "Yes," I replied and felt a wave of shame wash over myself.
My connection to the phone and the online world is powerful. It's where most of my work-life exists (I'm on the type-A, take-care-of-this-right-this-very-minute, obsessive end of the personality spectrum), where many of my friends exist, and to be honest, sometimes some of my self-worth is mixed in here too.
I put my phone face-down on the couch next to me and turned to face him, "I know."
In my head I could rationalize it. I was waiting for him to get things set up. I was probably checking my email one more time because I'm responsible and I pride myself on being accessible and taking care of stuff immediately or I was peeking at Facebook seeing if any responses were needed or if there was a comment on a photo I'd recently posted on Instagram.
But I knew he was right.
I need a major iphone boundary check.
Another evening we had a discussion about parenting after Anna refused to put her coat away. She was exhausted and defiant. I was exhausted and not ready for battle because it seems like battling is all we do lately. During the discussion he said he thought she was mean to me. He had watched, unsure where to step in and when to step away.
It was a good talk about who we are and who we want to be as parents. I listened carefully, trying hard not to take anything too personally, listening instead for suggestions I could implement the next time an opportunity arose. It was hard and easy at the same time because I know what he was saying was coming from a loving place and that he was right.
As I reflect on how Anna and I have been interacting lately I think so much of it comes down to me being a distracted parent. Distracted by my work, distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the running list in my head, distracted by pressures both real and imagined, distracted by a million other things.
Damn.
I don't want to be this person. I know there are times when I've been less distracted but over the last couple of years I've become that person again and it's definitely time for a re-alignment.
I have lots of excuses for my distractions but really none of them matter more than my relationship with my kids and those closest to me.
It's time to start living that way.
I wrote out the above stories a few days ago as I started working on this post.
Since then I've taken a few steps forward and a few steps back. The simple act of acknowledgement - and for me this has been a growing acknowledgment over the past few months - is starting to result in me actually taking action.
One of the first things I'm doing is reading Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Mama. Rachel runs a blog of the same name that you might have seen me mention or link to in the past. She's a wonderful story teller and truth teller and is really inspiring life-changes by encouraging people to get connected to what really matters. I reviewed an advance copy of the book last year but feel like I'm really reading it for the first time now. And PS - this book isn't just about creating meaningful connections with your kids - it's about removing the distractions that keep us from deeply connecting with the people we claim to care about most.
One of the suggestions from Rachel is to go public about your intention to live Hands Free so here I am.
Hi, I'm Ali and I've been living distracted for far too long and I'm ready to let go and make a very meaningful change in my life.
Tonight I started reading a chapter book out loud to both kids in the evening. It's an opportunity for the three of us to do something together that doesn't involve a screen.
We're starting with Charlotte's Web.
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218 comments
When talking about our New Year's resolutions my 6 year old told me, "you should not be on your phone." It was a huge wake up call to me.
I stopped using Facebook a few years ago and it was so wonderful. Once you step away from Facebook you start to see how crazy of a thing it is. I will talk to people and everything they tell me is stuff they saw on Facebook. If a friend's child is sick or they are on vacation or whatever else it may be, I want them to tell me. I want to sit and look in their eyes and hear about their life. I don't want to read about it on a social media site.
I know you use it for your business so quitting Facebook probably isn't an option for you.
There is a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called You are Here. It is a great book. A few quotes that hit home with me were….
"….live every minute you are given in a deep way….The only way to deal with insecurity, fear and suffering is to live the present moment in a profound way. If you do that, you will have no regrets."
"…make this the most magnificent and wonderful moment of your life. This present moment must become the most wonderful moment in your life. All you need to transform this present moment into a wonderful one is freedom. All you need to do is free yourself from your worries and preoccupations about the past, the future, and so on."
I am a huge work in progress. I need to repeat these quotes to myself all the time. I have a terrible time letting go of what needs to be done and just enjoy the moment.
Good luck, Ali!!
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Thank you.
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I cant wait to get her book! I preordered so I should have it very soon! Thank you for this great post; I love it and it really hit a chord with me and confirmed the fact that I need to make it public and act on it!
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Reading that, gave me goosebumps and one of those "seeing your life fly by" moments before you crash. I'd do a repeat if I could with my kids too. I'm 55 and didn't have a cell phone until this year but I had a job and I was a single Mom. That was my distraction and we all paid a price for that. Great, honest words. You will thrive! xo
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Beautiful, honest post.
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Great thoughts! It's so sad when I see parents on their phones and their kids are just sitting beside them or playing on iPads and no one is interacting. Maybe you are starting a new movement! Good Luck!
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Awesome sharing. Reading a chapter book with your kids at night is a great habit! Sometimes kids are bad listeners and it's easy to get frustrated, but if that happens, don't give up! (and sometimes it turns into some great talking/connecting time.) My boys are 10 and 13 and still usually want me to read to them. I try to make sure the book is something I can stand so that I won't resent the time, and I have enjoyed many adventures with them over the years. I have shared some of my favorites also. Reading to my kids is one of those things I love about parenthood that took me by surprise. Enjoy!!
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Ali, this post has resonated with me! I understand the parenting age with distractions, different than yours, but distractions just the same. Now that I have adult children my challenges are distractions in many forms that prevent me from being the daughter, wife, mother, friend that I want to be. As one commentor said, the key is finding the balance so that we don't lose ourselves in the care of others. So my word of the year,CONNECT, is directly related to yours. I strive to get past the distractions and connect with my loved ones in a more meaningful way. Thank you Ali, for this heartfelt blog post and the dialog that it has generated with your readers.
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Good for you Ali! I could stand to do that in my daily life, too.
Chapter books are a great way to spend some quiet time together in the evening. We read Charlottes Web last fall, and loved it. My oldest son will be 12 and so oftentimes he finds himself in the same room as me and my younger son (who is almost 5) doing "something else" but still very actively listening and enjoying the story. We are currently reading the Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary and they are fantastic.
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This is amazing and I need to get that book. Thank you for being honest. I am SO distracted. All I ever seem to want to do anymore is spend time with my kids...because that seems to be what I do the least. The chapter book idea is a good one. I keep saying we're going to do that and don't. Because they're busy...and distracted...too. I think we're going to start it anyway.
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Bravo.
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Love this post! In early November... I did something really radical...I quit posting on instagram and I made the conscious decision to limit the number of photos I take. I found myself at concerts, weddings, family gatherings, spending so much energy snapping "spontaneous" photos that I was missing the moment. Life got significantly better when I replaced my iphone with a Nokia... my apps were all gone...and ya know I didn't miss them!
I like your guy... I like that he's willing to say the hardest thing anyone can ever say to a parent... "I think your child was mean to you." THAT took courage! What I know now that I wish I'd know when my 26 year old was 4 is... when I said, he's behaving poorly because he's exhausted... I was in fact creating a pattern of behavior and the excuse for the same that would be a lot harder to break at 10 than it would have been at 4. Our nine year old twins are a lot easier to live with because of those tough early interventions.
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Good for you. Thanks for sharing, and reminding us to put our kids first.
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Thank you for stepping into the light of realness with me, Ali. It is so empowering to share this journey with others. Thank you for being real, courageous, honest, & open. By sharing your first steps with others, you have helped someone else take her/his first step. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and your willingness to walk beside me. We will stumble, but that's okay. We are trying. We are trying. And there are some very precious people in our lives who are noticing.
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Ali, thank you so much for your candor! I had the self revelation last night that I too have become a distracted parent. I have called it multi-tasking but the truth is my kids are taking a backseat to too many things that are not nearly as important as they are. Thank you for sharing. Knowing you are dealing with a similar situation makes me feel less alone in my own journey.
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Thanks for being honest. That's why I chose the word GRACE after Gratitude last year - I learned so much and realized if were truly grateful I had a lot to learn - hens I need to give grace to others AND myself.
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Ali, I had this same discussion with myself last year but for a different reason. I would come home from work tired and my kids 23,18 and 12 would be on the television downstairs so I would eat and the go up to our bedroom and watch tv. This went on for months and one day I had the realization that I didn't want my children to talk about how I was always up in my room and they were left alone. I made the effort to be present for them and now we sit together and great family discussions have come up that I would not have been apart of if I hadn't decided to reengage with my family.
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Such a good move to read chapter books/novels aloud with your kids. Being a teacher, I love to read aloud and implemented this practice in my home as well. I have 2 girls and they would crawl up in my bed with me and I would read to them. After we developed this practice, they craved it. They actually begged me to read to them.
Reading to them gave me the opportunity to not only connect with my girls, but to mentor them through the issues, life lessons and themes of the various books that we read together. It gave me the opportunity to make a point about the character of the character in the book without it being directly about them. While reading, we would discuss things that were happening in the story and by getting their feedback I could see where their thinking / beliefs / judgements / misconceptions were and guide them from there.
And there were plenty of times where it was just about reading - no big deep life lesson. In those moments, we enjoyed the development of language and curiosity and imagination. And we banked away many shared experiences that we drew upon for years and years later.
My girls are both post high school and will still mention excerpts from books that we read together. And if it weren't for their busy work and university schedules I am positive that they would still crawl up in my bed and let me read to them...
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This is beautiful. All of it. The openness, the acknowledging, the blended parenting. Such an inspiration to me for the season I am in. I have been making a conscious effort to make eye contact with my children and the people closest to me so that they know I that I am really listening and genuinely care about what they have to say. I too have a constant running of things in my head so I am easily distracted. Plus my son is a bit of a story teller and could seriously talk for hours ;) But I'm trying to remember that one day he might tire of talking with me (especially if I don't pay attention when he does) and I will be the lonely one. I will be looking into that book and blog by your friend. Thank you so much for sharing her and you with us!
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You continue to be an inspiration, Ali.Thank you for this post.
Sometimes, I am afraid of what the future holds as we all depend so much upon our electronic gadgets (guilty).I think, as adults who knew life before electronics, it's easier to see this and want to make changes just as you have. I worry more about kids and teens who've been "raised" on electronics and don't know any better.
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