The Path Towards Thriving | Living Hands Free
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Throughout 2014 I'm planning to blog about my One Little Word journey as I investigate what it means for me to thrive. I don't have a set schedule in place but will share as I identify areas, recognize strengths or weaknesses, ask questions, learn lessons, and hopefully make life-affirming choices along the way.
No. 1 | I believe that for me to thrive I need to live a less distracted life.
"You know we're going to have an intervention about that soon right?"
We were sitting on the couch after dinner, chatting and getting ready to play a couple rounds of Mario Bros on the Wii.
Darn it (that's not really the word that came to mind but you get the point). "Yes," I replied and felt a wave of shame wash over myself.
My connection to the phone and the online world is powerful. It's where most of my work-life exists (I'm on the type-A, take-care-of-this-right-this-very-minute, obsessive end of the personality spectrum), where many of my friends exist, and to be honest, sometimes some of my self-worth is mixed in here too.
I put my phone face-down on the couch next to me and turned to face him, "I know."
In my head I could rationalize it. I was waiting for him to get things set up. I was probably checking my email one more time because I'm responsible and I pride myself on being accessible and taking care of stuff immediately or I was peeking at Facebook seeing if any responses were needed or if there was a comment on a photo I'd recently posted on Instagram.
But I knew he was right.
I need a major iphone boundary check.
Another evening we had a discussion about parenting after Anna refused to put her coat away. She was exhausted and defiant. I was exhausted and not ready for battle because it seems like battling is all we do lately. During the discussion he said he thought she was mean to me. He had watched, unsure where to step in and when to step away.
It was a good talk about who we are and who we want to be as parents. I listened carefully, trying hard not to take anything too personally, listening instead for suggestions I could implement the next time an opportunity arose. It was hard and easy at the same time because I know what he was saying was coming from a loving place and that he was right.
As I reflect on how Anna and I have been interacting lately I think so much of it comes down to me being a distracted parent. Distracted by my work, distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the running list in my head, distracted by pressures both real and imagined, distracted by a million other things.
Damn.
I don't want to be this person. I know there are times when I've been less distracted but over the last couple of years I've become that person again and it's definitely time for a re-alignment.
I have lots of excuses for my distractions but really none of them matter more than my relationship with my kids and those closest to me.
It's time to start living that way.
I wrote out the above stories a few days ago as I started working on this post.
Since then I've taken a few steps forward and a few steps back. The simple act of acknowledgement - and for me this has been a growing acknowledgment over the past few months - is starting to result in me actually taking action.
One of the first things I'm doing is reading Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Mama. Rachel runs a blog of the same name that you might have seen me mention or link to in the past. She's a wonderful story teller and truth teller and is really inspiring life-changes by encouraging people to get connected to what really matters. I reviewed an advance copy of the book last year but feel like I'm really reading it for the first time now. And PS - this book isn't just about creating meaningful connections with your kids - it's about removing the distractions that keep us from deeply connecting with the people we claim to care about most.
One of the suggestions from Rachel is to go public about your intention to live Hands Free so here I am.
Hi, I'm Ali and I've been living distracted for far too long and I'm ready to let go and make a very meaningful change in my life.
Tonight I started reading a chapter book out loud to both kids in the evening. It's an opportunity for the three of us to do something together that doesn't involve a screen.
We're starting with Charlotte's Web.
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218 comments
I can so relate to your insights about battling with your daughter. I've felt the same way & recently came to the same realization. Nearly every single time I lost my temper or was impatient, it's because I was distracted. I was trying to do my thing and not giving her the attention she desperately needed. I've found that if I can give her 15 dedicated minutes of truly playing and interacting, she'll give me a good chunk of time to tackle those dishes or answer those emails. Thanks for sharing!
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Yes. It's hard. Its much easier to say this is what we should be doing versus actually doing it. I think this is a concept that needs to be fully mandated thru society. I am almost to the point of sickness at seeing children/teenagers/young adults so glued to the screen and the social media attached to it. I feel bad that young ppl validate themselves with numbers of tweets and likes. I know its always something, but it just seems so unhealthy.
good luck in your journey
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I love when others love us so much they bring up things they know may hurt us, to make us aware. Over NYE my brother & girlfriend came into town to celebrate. I got them passes to celebrate at a special party. When they were getting ready to go out my 5 year old asked me why I wasn't going with them. I didn't know what to say, so I just said, I didn't want to. He asked again and said but mom, you need to go out and have fun, you need to go out and not stay at home with me all the time! It really made me look at my single-mother lifestyle and know it's ok to enjoy myself without the kids sometimes! Thanks for this post. I love that you expose yourself to all of us and let me know....it's not just me!
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Distraction is one of the reasons I chose PRESENT to be my word this year. I almost chose HANDS-FREE but wanted to be more broad and incorporate a few other goals to my year. I love the hands free mama blog and find it very inspiring! Thanks for sharing your similar struggle with this.
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Totally jealous you got advanced copy... Can't wait to order my copy today! Follow her blog and it's very challenging dynamic in a culture centered around technology to find & keep boundaries. The way we connect is different than when we were kids. But at the root of all connections is being present... Maybe just maybe when we are present more in facd to face, then we will be more present when online too? Rather than always thinking of the next thing or some other "I should be.." statement.
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Ali,
First of all, you are NOT alone! I, too, am struggling with the distracting BUSYness of life. My OLW last year was participate and now simplify. Both of these words have screamed at me as I began to feel the frustrations of my busy life and trying to realize what steps I need to take to break out of this cycle. I have 3 girls, ages 2, 4, and 6. The hardest realization was that I was giving everyone 100% of me, at work. The most precious people in my life were getting the leftovers. OLW (and you!) are helping me on this journey to become the mom they deserve, not the mom I am able to squeak out at the end of the day. Thank you for this post. It hit home.
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This is like a post about my life!! We even started reading Charlotte's Web over the Winter break! Thank you for putting into words all the same thoughts and feelings I have about trying to unplug.
My word for 2014 is Progress. A little at a time, a few steps forward and eventually I'll be a mom I'm proud to be.
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whoa. tear jerker!! I'm totally inspired by your honesty. Talk about being vulnerable, Ali! Vulnerablity. That's a toughie. How much easier it is to be distracted, right!!
I've been working on living my "word" and was brave enough in sharing my "word" with my sister. She thought this was a wonderful idea and chose her OWN word. It's great to have a community of women to go on this journey of life together with. Bravo, ALi!
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Part of my word (patient) is to be more present and this means leaving the phone in my purse when I'm with other people or doing something I enjoy. I won't go so far as to leave the phone at home, simply because I'm on my own in a relatively new to me city and that's not okay, but I don't need it in my hand 24/7. I'm off to check out this hands-free stuff.
P.S. Charlotte's Web is a great book.
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Ali,
We could all be a little more hands free. There is something so special about reading a book aloud to a child. Enjoy this special time with them.
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So well and honestly said. Telling the true story is why we all love you. I have similar conversations and interactions with my kids, and I can't even say my distraction is work related.
As for the step forward and then step back- don't forget you can call that a Cha Cha, and who doesn't need more dancing in their life? Hugs.
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Thanks so much for this post. My OWL for this year is 'connect' and part of that is to reduce the time I spend reading blogs, but I'm so glad I couldn't resist the pull of your blog so I took the time to read your post and to read a few entries on Rachel's Hands Free Mama blog. I'll definitely be getting a copy of this book myself. I am often very distracted - I'm sure I'll find some more tips to better connect with the people that matter the most to me.
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I need to do this too. I've found that I get the most frustrated with my kids when they're "interrupting" something I was doing (usually on my phone or computer). If I'm not occupied by those things, I have the patience and ability to focus on their needs without things escalating into whiny fits. It's a challenge for sure. I hope you have great success!
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What an awesome habit, reading to your kids. We do it with our kids, and we really believe in it. It's really great/fun/real to share book-reading experiences with your kids. (I'm reading The Book Thief with my older one, and Inkheart with my younger.) I hope you enjoy it over time as much as we have. Just getting that in will go a long way to pushing distractions out, I bet! Cheers and Happy New Year, Ali!
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I don't have kids yet, but this is something I'm trying to work on in my marriage. I had a big ah-ha this week that I just needed to look at my husband more. Actually see him and make sure he feels like I'm paying attention to him enough, even when I'd rather be distracted. That means putting down the phone or getting off the laptop.
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Love this, Ali. Praying for you during this season and appreciate your vulnerability.
I wanted to suggest a new series that we have been enjoying - Growly. I think you and your kids will really like them. xo
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A wonderful post on something that hits close to my heart. I've already made a commitment to be less distracted myself after following Hands Free Mama (so inspiring!) and I wish you success in making the changes. Baby steps, one at a time! Good Luck!
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Thank you for sharing! I have a son around Anna's age and oh can I relate to the battles. I find myself more distracted again. I took work email off my phone and iPad before the holidays, and I just deleted Facebook from my phone after reading your post. It is a process, but I also want to work on being less distracted.
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I hear you mama, loud and clear. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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love you. you and your constant personal push for positive growth always inspires me to do better, try harder. also, love that "tech guy" sounds like he's tech balanced ;). happy thriving ali!
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