Structure & Schedules & Expectations.
Tags:For the last few months Chris has commented about how unstructured we are around here. It is a common question asked by the specialists. Each time he says that I think, "what the heck is he talking about?" Of course we are structured. I am an organized woman. It often feels like we do the same things each day - get up, breakfast, Simon to school, us to work, Simon home, play time, dinner, hang out - to me, that equates to structure.
I am learning, though, that he is right. (Did you read that one Chris?)
I am learning that what I think of as structure is actually more go with the flow, often based on my personal preferences. So we are essentially on my schedule, my go with the flow. Yep, mine.
Enter the picture schedule.
The picture schedule is tough. And to be honest, I am feeling a bit resistant. What is tough about it is that it forces me to go about things in a certain manner. A certain manner that revolves around Simon. Move from this to this to this...essentially focusing more on what Simon needs than what Ali wants to do. Duh, you may be thinking, welcome to parenting. Get off your ass.
For some reason I carried an assumption and expectation that Simon would develop just through our interactions within daily life, without structured interventions. He would learn flexibilty and go with the flow and organization and manners and good behavior from his experience in our family.
And he will still learn all those things because they are a part of who Chris and I are daily. But I do need to get off my ass and get on the schedule. Focus on Simon and what he needs to learn. I need to let go of myself for awhile - the me that is always working, head in the clouds. He deserves all my/our effort and more.
So once again I am adjusting my expectations, re-evaluating, and searching for balance.
Edited to add: After writing this we went for a walk this evening. Upon coming home I set up the evening schedule for Simon and told him to come over and look at it. "Check your schedule." He came right over and said, "schedule" and then with a bit of prompting read off each of the things: bath, wash hair, brush teeth, brush hair, PJ's, story time, bed. And then he headed for the stairs for his bath.
Thanks for your comments already - I totally appreciate the words of support and feedback from you all.
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47 comments
Here's the thing - with some kids being on your schedule may have worked. You are now realizing that for Simon you need to readjust. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, you are just doing what every parent does and discovering what works for your child. The fact that you are willing to do this is what makes you a great parent. My kids are a little older, and I can tell you this process never ends. All you can do is be open to making changes as needed.
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Hi, Ali. I think that you are right on the nose about all parents and parenting. I know that half of our schedule is MY schedule and that the other half is for Michael (my 3 year old son). I have found that when I do things that work best for Michael, they work best for me in the end. Example, if I need to leave a party early so that Michael can have a nap, I can be assured that I will have a happier, more easy going kid in the evening. Michael is a normal 3 year old, so we have good times and 'challenging' times.
I hope that you remember that those of us who don't have autistic kids sometimes have to get off our asses and do what's best for them versus what's best for us.
I love reading about how you are learning to help Simon be the best Simon he can be. It helps me to be a better mommy to Michael. Thank you so much for sharing.
Stacie
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My Asperger son is in the 5th grade and I have to say the whole schedule issue is the number one issue we have had at school each year. When trying to find teachers we always stress that they must be structured and have a some-what set schedule. Unfortunately, the teachers that say they are structured sometime really aren't. I find that if I go into a room and observe for a half an hour I can pick the teachers that will work for Sam and those that will not.
On a positive note, Sam needs a lot of structure at school, but as he has gotten older needs more of a "free" schedule at home. I think it also has to do with needing down-time after a whole day at school. I usually tell him the things that he needs to do - feed cat, take shower, practice trumpet and let him schedule it for himself.
Good luck - I love reading about your son because it reminds me of my own journey when my son was diagnosed when he was little.
Susan
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Oh, Ali! I so so totally agree with the "get off your ass" theme :) I just read your message about the whole "my" schedule thing and it hit me that that is US! We have four boys, 9, 6, 4 and 4 months and let me tell you, schedule is nearly non-existent in our home. My DH works and is in school and when I do work, it throws things off even more...what was that? A schedule may help things??? HA, I really needed to read this so that I too, can get off my ass and remember that SACRIFICE is part of parenting and maybe those laze around the house days are something I should do OCCASIONALLY instead of CONSTANTLY...
Tina
Oh, and I totally love your work!!
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Oh, and I forgot to mention the sports issues :) What is is about a basball night (first year little league...go Yankees!) that throws us off so? And meals...some day (I say to myself as I chuckle inside!)
Tina
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Hi Tara.
Well I for one say GO WITH THE PICTURE SCHEDULE, it is your friend. Girl at age 3, we took a PICTURE BOOK with us everywhere we went. IT had favorite pictgures on velcro with a "sentence strip" on the bottom. It WAS hard to adjust our lives for Seth (as we already felt we had done so much b/c of Matthew's ADHD) but alas BOTH boys need routine, period. I had to learn too. Well believe it or ont SEth's FIRST SENTENCE came at 3 1/2 and he used his STRIP
Picture "I want"...Picture" coke"..
HE said I WANT COKE. I gave him coke......the rest is history. HE used that thing for a year, then it all just DEVELOPED. HE's 5 1/2 now and NO NEED for a picture schedule here, ALTHOUGH I DID IMPLEMENT it again when he needed to be potty trained. I use da picture schedule in the bathroom and he was trained at FIVE Years old. NOt ot say Simon won't train sooner; some do later. IT's all irrelevant. BUt girl.....I'm so happy for you in the sense that you now have direction and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER; it sure helped me feel like *I* was helping and doing something
Good luck and keep us posted.
Sherri Winstead
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I know this is an old post, but I have to comment. I could have written this post myself, and I just wanted to say THANK YOU for posting your real, true feelings. You are so positive all the time, and your blog has been such an encouragement and inspiration to me. God sent you(r blog) my way!
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