Quieting Children's Fears.

Even at 65, my kids still need me to quiet their fears at times. Stay calm, listen, hold.

Yes, all the things you do, I do too. Talking, listening, asking questions like what will you do if this happens, etc. Helping them figure out how to comfort themselves with thoughts, memories, etc. I think all of these things help them process, develop coping mechanisms, and communicate back. Sounds like the new routines are falling into place and it will turn into the usual stuff with the occasional bad day thrown in.

I loved reading that you are doing your own self talk too... I do that at times... sometimes out loud and you know what... ryan (now that he is more verbal) is able to mimic me... so great to finally hear those thoughts...
and then Its always the balance of just being a mom.. allowing them to worry and be anxious is hard despite diagnosis or not...
so sweet... you guys are great with him... he is beautiful!
kim
ps... lol about the whole draggin/encouraging/escorting comment... been there do that often! my husband also got a kick out that!
;)
Kim

Wow. Great topic.
My oldest was very nervous at the thought of starting kindergarten with all new people and teachers. She did a lot of bouncing/humming at the beginning of summer when we mentioned kindergarten. Her anxiety has always been worse in the anticipation stage of things, so I made a point NOT to talk about school AT ALL for almost the entire summer. By the time open house, teacher meetings, etc. had started, it was tangible to her and much less scary.
But overall, for all 3 kids (and my husband!) I've slowly realized that I set the tone for the energy in the house. I mostly try to focus on how I'm handling my own fears or stress, because good or bad, it is generally contagious.

Listen, Talk, Hug. My 9 year old is quite a bit smaller (medical condition) than his classmates and periodically he acts out. Somedays are harder than others. Routine is another thing I think makes a difference. If things change from day to day my boys act out more than we are settled into a routine.
Every parent deals with children's fears and their own. I wish I could say there is a way to know everything we do is the right thing to do, but really all we can do is the best we can with what we know and hope we don't screw up. The Serenity prayer comes in handy too.
Have a beautiful day.

It was most recently described to me this way: It is a lot like horse jumping ... you prepare yourself for the first jump and when it is over you have some time for calming/settling and then preparation for the next jump. At times there is a series of jumps that need to be crossed but between each hurdle you need to take a second to relax, settle yourself, and prepare for the next.
Great way of approaching it ... I think.

And quieting their fears doesn't end....even as freshmen in college! I quieted my college freshman's fears the same way...by telling her to take a deep breath and know that it'll all get better once she's adjusted to her new "routine". I say the same thing to myself each night...to quiet my own fears about my "baby" being so far away at school!

There is a gentle push or a giant shove - both mean the same thing to my daughter.
The best way to allay her fears is for me to tell her Im scared too and that we can be scared together and at the end of every scare or fright is a little giggle just bursting to get out.
So she thinks that being this way means that there is a giggle trying to wiggle its way out and that why sometimes it feels funny in our heart and chest.
It always makes her smile and sometime we both free that giggle with a fit of laughter.

I usually tell them it's going to be alright whatever it is that they are fearing. That no matter what it is, that it will be ok soon than they think. But mostly we are learing how to "accept" the things we are afraid of as part of life, that it's alright to be "uncertain" that we can welcome it actually and trust that with every little step the way will be come a little clearer, a little more comfortable.
We all do love our comfort zones now don't we?

Wow - Brody is so there. I just find with his autism, the change will take him a few weeks to get excited about. We have had many heart wrenching struggles with the onset of grade 2 this year and it kills me slowly inside. His bus ride is longer this year and he has to sit beside someone now, so that is just part of all the changes. We do lots of picture prep, now that Brody is talking more we talk about the fears, but sometimes it is very difficult to find out the real reasons behind the fear. Lots of hugs, kisses and excitement about things he will do at schoold and when he gets home. I worry myself about it all day and then when he comes home and has a good day!!! we make a huge deal about it. When he has a bad day (the 1st week has been tough) - we talk about what he didn't like. Yesterday he went to school in his pajama's (interesting for him - but he was very happy - changed part way thru the day - and his teacher said it was the best day yet!!! Silly little man - lots and lots of hugs & kisses.
Nicky

Hi Ali,
What a timely post. I spoke with the principal of our son's small school about an 8th grade math class that isn't as challenging as he expected. The principal was great and the teacher will talk with our son.
For us, especially at our son's age, it's deciding on the best plan of action and carrying it out, regardless of how uncomfortable/awkward it may be.
However, the realization that quieting our children's fears is a life long pursuit is something both fulfilling and daunting.
Wendy

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His biggest fear is sleeping alone (afraid of the dark)--Do you have any good tips on overcoming that fear?
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Just a thought on this - we use "Monster Spray" - fill a plain spray bottle with water and decorate the outside with a label and stickers. Each night before bed, we let her spray the bottle wherever she wishes. That way she feels in control of what's in her room.
She told me a week before school started that she was scared. It was all unknown to her. So we talked about how being afraid is OK and how mommy was too when I first started school. I then went on to explain all the good things about school - a nice teacher, seeing her friends and learning new things. We've also used the Kissing Hand book - love it!
As a parent, I try my best to hide my fears from her. I grew up in a household where my mom made me very nervous and scared about alot of things because *she* was. I think half the battle is fighting those demons within us.
Love your blog Ali! Thanks for sharing your life.

i like to talk to the littles while we do something they enjoy. if we are playing catch, for example, and not in the moment of fear it is easier to build them up so they are prepared when it hits. and my kids' anxiety can always be quelled with a good book :)

My son is 17 now, and he has always been an anxious person. The best thing you can do is be there for him, encourage him to verbalize, draw his fears and then listen. Some times talking too much about a certain fear increases their anxiety toward it. You have to get a feel for what he is needing from you. Mostly they just need you to be there. Heidi

my son is older (18), but he still has his moments when he calls me up all in a panic and talks so fast I can't understand him. mostly I ask him questions and try to get to the real issue and then ask him what some options would be for rectifying it. he was really scared after graduation. not sure what to do now that this big old world is all open up and ready for him. ready for him to do what? he said. I love being witness to all their fears, challenges and growing pains. it makes life SO interesting! lol!

I usually try to put the power back into their hands. If they are worried about an ache or pain that I know will get better, I say, "it's a good thing you are a fast healer!" If they are facing a big test, I review test-taking strategies with them and then end with, "if you do these things, and then just relax, you'll probably do great on the test." You know it works when you hear them repeating it to themselves next time an ouchie or a test comes up.
When I'm worried or scared, I totally catastrophize things, though, and I really depend on my husband to play mother and help me take my own power back!

First, let me just say that you're an awesome parent, and I can't wait to have kids and put to practice some of the things you and Chris do for Simon.
So, since I don't have kids, I quiet my own fears by taking a deep breath, praying and mustering up enough courage so that I don't turn around and run. ;o). But mostly I just remind myself that I'm even more scared of missing the good that can be found in whatever it is I'm about to face.

I am struggling with this too, although it isn't about school. My daughter has had a hard time getting over her fears after we were in a car accident in June. We let her know that we understand that she is afraid and it's okay to be afraid. We try to help her think of "baby steps" that she can take to get closer to doing the things she is afraid of. We tell her how brave she is and how proud we are of her when she does something she has expressed fear of doing. She has conquered many of her car-related fears and a few others over the summer.
It has been a challenge for me, too, not to project my fears on my kids. A big challenge. But in being brave for them, I have gotten over a few of my own fears.

I came back to 'second' the comments about the book, 'The Kissing Hand'. The book became a favorite of mine & my daughter's. Up until 6th grade, she'd ask for a kissing hand (and I'd receive one in return) before she left for school each morning. An excellent book...so sweet...and one I'll cherish forever. :)

When I counseled elementary age children (especially grades k-3) on their fears, we would often draw or color their fear on paper. And then we would talk about being a superhero to conquer that fear and what that might take. Then the child would draw them or describe them conquering the fear as the superhero (I also had a cape in my office for the young ones to really visualize this portion of "play therapy"). It is good for children to externalize the fear and talk about it and then also talk about conquering it....
Hope this helps! that picture of simon is so dang cute!