Quieting Children's Fears.

This year my 6yo was excited to go back to school... until it was TIME to go back to school.
When she'd get off of the bus she'd say that she had a great day but then she didn't want to go the next day even though we were making sure that she was getting a good 10hrs in bed each night.
The teacher was not thrilled with her behavior in class, although it wasn't bad.
My DD was complaining that there is a lot more writing this year than last year & "no center time" (computers, kitchen, Legos, etc.).
What did I do? Besides a lot of gentle talking and reassuring and encouraging?
I pulled out her calendar. I marked every little thing that's coming up during the month of September. Soccer practice, the nights that daddy works (so that she will know; his schedule fluctuates), the days that she goes to a different school for a special class she's enrolled in, our 4 days at Disney (!!)... everything. This seemed to help her feel a bit more in control and to realize that time is going to pass, things are going to happen, life is going to go on/move/change and that there are things to look forward to beyond the day-to-day grind.
Even adults need that reassurance, right?
(((HUGS))) to you just like the ones you're giving to Simon.
The only thing that stays the same.... is change.
:-)

Our Sam just started Kindergarten this year. He is a very literal kid and wants to discuss every detail of what's coming up..that seems to help him with the fears of the unkown...question after question type of kid. So we always go over things thoroughly w/him...what's going to happen, what to expect, etc. But the most important thing we do w/ him is to remind him that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of courage and joy/peace/calm. That God is his superhero and will be with him where ever he is during his day, even when mom and dad aren't there! There are a ton of great scriptures on courage and bravery. Another Biblical comparison worked for a friend when her son was so scared about school, that he cried to the point of making himself sick. That what ever fear you're facing, call it "Goliath", and you need to be "David" and conquer that fear...one step (or stone) at a time! All these things we plug into our little ones now will make an easier way for them in the future...just think what confident adults we're raising! That's so encouraging to remember when your heart is breaking for them in these phases of life. :-) T in Missouri

by trying to prep them as much as i can ahead of time. i work with students with disabilities and i have to say, a lot of the techniques i use at school have been very helpful with my own children. i have a kiddo that is very anxious about LOTS of things so i revert to making up little "social stories" about situations that i think my daughter may encounter- using words like "usually" and "most of the time" so my daughter doesnt think something will happen a certain way all of the time. i also try to remove myself from the emotional aspect so my daughter doesn't pick up on my fears by using a calm voice and masking my facial expressions. that's always a giveaway for me! you, ali, are such a good mom!

Just reading about this brought tears to my eyes...I'm such a sap, I Know...I cry very easily...any-how, this just time-warped me back to when my boys both started kindergarten which was really hard. Hard for me because I had to watch their "fears" on their faces, and I know they wanted to cry but they held it back, that was really hard for me. All I could do was....BREATHE....IN....and....OUT.....I kept chanting to myself (in my head), "They'll be okay, they'll be okay, while I'm holding onto their tiny hands, while putting on a brave, SMILING face for them.
With a lot of changes...that I can prepare for...I just give my boys lots of reminders about what's going to happen...where are they going...etc...so they KNOW, and hopefully when it actually comes down to it, in the back of their minds, they can hear my voice telling them that everything will be okay. Keeping consistent and calm helps me a lot...my boys both love routines, and it certainly makes life easier. Out of consistency and routines, I found they end up feeling more secure and confident about everyday life...and hopefully empowering them!

I've noticed that if I show any sign of concern (maybe second guessing a decision we've made) my kids totally pick up on it and it adds to their anxiety. If I put on a positive face and talk about all the excitement that surrounds it, it gives them confidence. They know that their Mommy and Daddy are always here and we talk a lot about what their thoughts are. When you know you're not going through something alone it makes it that much easier. Good luck! Simon has a couple of really great parents!

As a mom and a child psychologist, I echo many of the thoughts shared above. Here are some ideas:
--Help kids to understand how their thoughts can impact their emotions/behaviors. Help them to start to identify thoughts that magnify fears (i.e., I know that I'm going to fail, no matter what I do) and replace those destructive thoughts with more adaptive ones (My best is good enough!). If they are catastrophizing a situation (blowing it out of proportion), gently help them to identify a more realistic perception of the issue. Lots of affirmation!
--Provide lots of encouragement, but don't give empty praise. Focus on encouraging effort (i.e., Give it your best try, I know you are brave and I believe in you.) versus outcome (I know you will get an A on the test).
--Take Jesus with you....Pray together. Remind the child that they can talk to Jesus and give their fears to Him, no matter the time or place, and no matter whether you are around or not. That's powerful! And I don't know what I would do if I didn't have the power of prayer myself as a mother, as I watch them go to school....I am constantly praying for my kids throughout the day, and that alleviates a lot of my own fears and worries for them....casting my cares on Him!
--Create a worry box or worry journal. When something is worrying, they can draw it or write it out, and put it into the box or journal. That way, it minimizes the effect of the worry in your brain and makes room for more productive "stuff."
--Physical touch (hugs, squeezes) is so affirming and critical.
--Normalize the experience. Reassure them that fears are normal, everyone has them, and they are a part of life. Help them see that you, as an adult, have fears, too, and that you are in this thing of life together.
--Remind kids of past successes, to take away the anxiety of the unknown. Remind kids that they are unique, talented, capable and brave. Don't just use those words emptily....give specific instances when they have shown those traits.
--Remember that some kids are just more anxious, by virtue of personality and temperament. Allow the child to be anxious, and allow them to verbalize/express those fears. Avoid discounting, downplaying, or negating their feelings.
--Make sure they have a "touch point person" at school. If the worries/fears get overwhelming, give them permission to seek that person out, whether it is a teacher or counselor or other adult. Discuss this with their teacher in advance to make sure the classroom schedule remains respected.
Thanks, Ali, for a great topic and for an amazing set of comments....I took notes on a few myself! I'm rooting for Simon for a great first grade year, with lots of successes celebrated!

i think in my mind that it would help me deal with it if i didn't think of "shipping" him off to school -- but instead focused on my own amazing school experiences and somehow transfer that positive energy to the child.
i also think for kids going to school is a lot like going to the gym is for adults. sometimes it's hard to get yourself to go -- but once you're there, you love it!

I do lots of what you do ~ talking, hugs, constant reassurance. I also let my kids know that I'm always there for them. That no matter what the issue they can always come to me and I'll listen (and mama bear will come out fighting for them if necessary!) They always know that home and family is "safe", where you can talk about anything.

i don't have kids of my own but i do work with kids and play with kids, sometimes for work and often for fun...i'd say, quiet their fears by listening to their fears, acknowledging and perhaps even voicing out their fears for them or giving a voice for their fears to be expressed, and so helping them to take that fear out from within to without and then work together to find ways to make that fear either smaller or ways to deal with those fears...

hi Ali,
you sound like you are already doing the same kinds of things i did/do with my kids. sometimes it seems like simply naming "it", ie: scared, sad, takes away some of "it's" power. i think you are on the right track!

I am a school principal of a large Pre-K center and we deal with this each year. I am also a mom of a child who just entered first grade.
From the school-it is so important that you validate their feelings but also be very aware of what you physically do and demonstrate on your face. The children who are most successful have parents who say things like "I believe in you! You can do it! i will see you right after lunch (or nap, something they can grasp other than a time), the parents drop off smoothly (quickly) and don't linger. All children thrive on routine and once we get past that beginning hump, the kids get into routine and feel proud of their new found grown-up ness.
As a parent, getting to bed, as you mentioned is huge. Have you notced that by Thursday and Friday Simon is a bit harder to manage in the pm? That is because school is exhausting mentally and physically. Even if they get to bed on time (7:30-8:00) they will still be pooped as the week progresses. Listening to fears and sharing your memories of school are best done at night just before bed. The morning is all about routine and repeating those can-do-it messages "You are such a big boy!"

Hi Ali-I often tell my girls that I was afraid too when I was a little girl. That I know how they feel, and I understand. I think dismissing their feelings (something most busy parents do but I'm sure you DO NOT do) does not validate them, somehow taking away their trust in us. I ask them how I can help. Would you like me to walk with you? wait for you? Hold your hand? and ususally they work it out after a few times of me honoring their request. I also lay on the bed and tell them made up stories about being afraid and how to work it out...then we can talk about it...and I don't always make the stories about that, I tell them silly ones, and stories about their family members, then slip the others in...and driving in the car is the best time to get things out of them.
Good Luck, and God Bless you.

Lots of prayer. Lots. And making sure Noah knows that God is in control, not me. Not daddy. God is in control of his life and our lives and is always there to listen to your fears, your hopes, your prayers...24/7, no matter where you are or what you are doing. It's comforting to me as a mommy to know that Noah knows God is there for him and is stronger than I can ever be. :)
Jennifer

I have 3 small children (and 2 step-children, ages 15 3/4 and 19). But my biggest challenge is quieting the fears of my friend... a 65 yo blessed soul with a developmental disability. She has lived with us now for more than 9 years (prior to the births of our 3 children). She struggles with change, especially when it significantly impacts her routine. Today it's the job situation... they haven't laid her off, but have had to assign her to per diem duty due to a lack of actual work. (She happens to work for an agency that is very supportive of their disabled employee... so this is truly nothing more than a lack of work, or budget to reassign). Having been there and done that in the past (laid off, permanently released, etc.)... she fears what she believes to be the inevitable. It's a bit more than overwhelming (for her) and requires a huge amount of empathy and compassion from me. Just to listen, to understand... to put myself in her shoes and wonder how it would feel if I really truly believe someone was pulling the rug out from under me. It's then that I would wish for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay (until I believed it). I just spent some time working through some frustration and a sense of helplessness with my friend. One of the things I reminded her of was my commitment to her... that she could count on me, always. Especially when she is feeling a bit insecure and unstable. I asked her to have faith in me and our friendship, to really believe me when I say her job is still hers. She could give the pain up to me, because she trusts me. And then I put some control back in her lap by talking to her about choices... would she let this situation be the barrier that prevents her from enjoying the many other things she enjoys doing here at home or in the community. She chose happiness :)

All these comments are good. During those times I also try to speak to myself and remind myself that what my child is going through is part of growing and forming his/her character. There can sometimes be "guilt" associated with things our children are afraid of if we think we can prevent it. We always want the best for our kids and don't want them to experience any pain or bad feelings. But everyone does and it's the working through those things that make us who we are. It's having a mom or dad who, during that time, shows them how strong they really can be---often in little steps, just like you've done with Simon. Overcoming fears builds great confidence in a child, and so while I am feeling sad in their sadness (often crying myself), I try to remember that this moment in time is when it's so critical to respond with compassion and just be there. I love that you mentioned just holding Simon. That's so often exactly what they need---that comfort and help every step of the way and letting go in little doses. I try to remember that it's hard being a kid and although my children need my instruction, they perhaps even more need my compassion.
I also like the picture--- I may have hesitated to take one in those sadder times. But it's beautiful and lets you tell your story and his story. It sure would go well on a page RIGHT next to a little boy with a giant smile, getting on the bus and waving with confidence to his Dad. That's a great story. =)

I am sooooooo unbelievably happy that you posted about this today. My 6 yr old daughter, Gabriella, is having a VERY rough time getting on the bus each morning. Like Simon, she's in 1st grade, and its a full day of school now (Kindergarten was 1/2 day), so that's very different for her. Her BF that was in her class & on her drop off bus is not at her school this year. And she's SUPER shy! She'll be having tonsils out on Sept 29th & we really think that she's not getting on the bus b/c she's not rested. And that she's not rested b/c her tonsils are too big & she is possibly having sleep apnea b/c she'll sleep between 11-12 hours & not be rested in the morning. This is her 2nd week of school & only today has it gotten better. I am just praying that the surgery helps her breathe better so her sleep is better so she gets on the bus better. I've tried so many things. I've gone over each morning in my head to try to find the 'real' reason she doesn't want to get on the bus. Both my DH & I have talked with her to try to get her to tell us what she's thinking/feeling. We've done the feelings, reasoning, praying, etc And now I've pretty much stopped talking about it with her. Not given up by any means but just not discussing the whole thing unless she brings it up to see if that helps or not. I guess it can't get worse so we'll see. But it is so nice to hear that I am not the only parent scratching my head about this whole thing. The crazy thing is she has done this for the last 3 years on & off throughout the school year. Through 2 years of preschool & then Kindergarten & I KNOW she likes school. She comes home talking of all the cool things she's learned & done & she tells us she likes it but there is just something about leaving home in the morning that she has trouble with. We even made a new picture book for her to take with her the 1st day (she's got at least 2 now) & some days it helps, others it doesn't.
What do I do to quiet my fears? I pray for peace & comfort from God. And then I do the self talk thing. I've tried to teach these things to Gabby & they sometimes work but other times not. I guess I'm still sleuthing this one out. Is there a Watson to help me on this one???

We had MAJOR issues with our youngest last year in first grade. Getting him out the door to school was a nightmare each morning and he overall was just so anxious about school.
Since you mentioned the "waking up" issue, I wanted to share that we began waking him up a half hour earlier than we had been - and it made a huge difference in how the morning went. He had a lot more time to just "be" in the mornings - and more time to really wake up! Just a thought.

I have personal fears to deal with... They concern the chronic illness of my oldest child (he suffers from Epidermolysis Bullosa). I'm afraid he'll die and since he's not doing well right now I just can't stop thinking about that. It keeps me occupied the WHOLE day (and night, I might add). What works for me is sitting on a comfortable chair, w/some coffee, a nice pillow etc. I make myself comfortable. And then I allow myself to worry for 30 minutes. I go over every fear that concerns me, I pay attention to everything that's in my head and the things that prevent me from going forward. Believe me, 30 minutes is a LOT. And after that half hour, I close the worrying-book and go on. It really helps. And when I notice during the day, that I start worrying again I say firmly to myself: "No, not right now. Tomorrow there is a new page in the worrying-book".
Hope this helps a bit for you. I find lots of inspiration here.
Hugs - Liesbeth

Sweet Ali~
I read your posts often and I am in awe of the strength you have as a parent. I love the way you reflect on your ever-changing role as a parent.
I am a retired 30 year teacher- most of my years were in Kindergarten. The thing I loved the most about your post was the way you are so very consistent with Simon each day. You are giving him a strong message of "You can do this!" You never give in and let him stay home, within reason, of course. This builds such security in children!It is true that all children will try us on and off (they are supposed to! I always say, "That's their job!" :))and just as one routine works, we need to come up with another. You are doing a great job in moving your son forward each day. What a message of FAITH you are giving him!
The Kissing Hand was one of my favorites and I always read it on the first day of school. My 3 daughters (2 now in college!) still speak of it! Any of these little family "cues" are so good and keep that thread of family going, even as the children move away.
Your tone of voice is wonderful with Simon, too. I can tell by your writing that you are confident and you keep reassuring him that all will be ok. Whenever I felt like a challenge with my children was too hard for me on a particular day I would ask my dear husband to do it. I called it "strength-based parenting" and it kept us on level ground. We tried-hopefully-to keep any issues I was having away from our girls! They do pick up on our tone of voice or any anxieties we may be feeling on that day.
This Too Shall Pass always keeps me grounded! And it will, dear...stay the course!
Love to you and Chris and Simon and Bless You for the good work that you do for ALL of us!xxx, S

I also have a high functioning autistic boy (he’s now 14) who is very similar to Simon. He went through a similar school thing in the beginning. Kindergarten is a lot of “sit on your square”, ”now stand in line”, “eyes on me” – loss of freedom, control. I have found the best way to deal with him when he’s starting to have a meltdown is just to articulate and acknowledge what is bothering him: “you’re not liking sitting still all day?” “you miss doing your own thing?” Then remind him that he can do those things after school when he’s home.
Another thing is that there are a lot of verbal and visual stimuli in school. My son would need time to process this. By the time he would get home he wouldn’t want anything structured or restrictive. He found vestibular (spinning) motion soothing so after school he would swing around and around on his Little Tykes Disc swing to decompress.
The last issue I can think is conceptualization of time. We adults can anticipate the arc of the day, week, year. For kids school is this new restrictive thing that just goes on and on and on. I would show and talk to him about his calendar.
Break his week down for him day by day. It gives them something to look forward to.
Hope this helps!
Liz