Seeing.

I see we are all in good company! My 3rd dd is just 4 and still cannot sit still anywhere. My other 2 (ds, 9 and dd 7) were pretty good at restaurants from even age 2 but this one, she's a different breed - lol. We have done much more take out and go to kid friendly places like Chili's or local places that like families and serve up meals FAST! You did all that I would have done and I still get that "sweat" factor of can't we finish up faster. So dd is not as bad as she was at 2 1/2 but still not great...I think it is much like your AQ quote - I try not to get through the dinner so fast and enjoy the chaotic moment. Babysitters and take out and child friendly restaurants seem to help us the most. ps - LOVED your garden layouts!

(single mom with 2 autistic boys)
You do what is comfortable for the family. If you don't mind him standing up at the table, and he is not hurting himself or others, you let him do it.
Mostly, we don't go to places like that. Even at fast food places my boys behave "oddly" for the norm. Andy likes to hang out in the vestibule. It took me a while to accept it, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
If you can't relax and enjoy yourself because of his behavior, then maybe you shouldn't go or shouldn't take him. Remember, he is still young and even though he will always be autistic, he won't always be little. His behaviors will get better.

I have a son with autism who is now 14. I encourage you to go do the things you would naturally do with Simon. When they are young it is hard and they don't understand the social "rules" but you need to do it together. I am a single mom of three and I took all three with me everywhere! I loved being out and about and I think it helped my son adjust to new surroundings. It wasn't easy during the early years but now I can and do take my son everywhere! He and I will be together until the end of my days and recently I took him and his 12 year old brother on a week vacation to South Dakota! If you had told me that this would have been possible, I would have laughed. It was the best vacation I've ever had. My son memorizes maps and had a great time seeing all the sites that were listed on the maps. I guess my final suggestion is pick and choose your battles. There are many to come. If you need a relaxing time out, then maybe a sitter would be good. I know I have gone and left many a place because it just wasn't going to happen and then there have been other times when we actually made it through a dinner. It does get better with time and age. I just wanted to give him the same experiences I gave my other two children. You are fortunate to have such a great partner to tag team with! I wish they had had portable dvd players when my son was young! Disney is King here.....still! Good luck and hang in there! By the way, hope to see you in Iowa City this Spring at Reminisce. I am one of their project designers and am looking forward to meeting you! Take care! Shelley

Having a 3 year old sit through a meal is a challenge in itself without adding autism or any other additional challenge to it. MJ rarely can sit through a meal, always anxious to jump up stating "I'm done" as soon as possible. And taking her to a restaurant is pretty much the same as what you described. You are doing great and all that you can do. It is stressful to take kids out to eat and so I just tend to avoid it for now. I know with time it will be more manageable.
All the best to you and your family in 2006.

Your a good Mom Ali. You give Simon opportunities and chances to succeed. You set the stage so that he can be a success at HIS life, no one else's life, just his. Sometimes it'll work (hopefully, most of the time). Sometimtes it won't. Hang in there. You know your kid better than anyone else. If you think he can succeed in a given situation, take him. If you think it's too much to ask, then don't ask him to do it.
All we can do is provide the opportunity for our child to succeed, based on their ability, skils, needs, ...etc. Here's hoping you can feel comfortable with what works/doesn't work for Simon and for you. And if eating out doesn't work for Simon, don't feel bad, it doesn't necessarily mean it will NEVER work, just that it doesn't work now. Things change. Kids grow. Parents change. We're in this together.
Hang in there... you're doing great.

My brother has 3 children, and his middle - my nephew Skyler, is autistic. Incredibly smart, sweet and pretty high functioning. They rarely go out to eat anymore. Mostly carry-in, unless it's date night just the 2 of them. However, there came a situation this year when we had many group family functions and eating out was in the plan. Sky was explained to, very directly, that we were going to a nice place to eat and what he was expected to do. They gave him no latitude. None. Do not stand. Do not shout. Use your manners. Eat your food. They brought crayons and white paper. If he squirmed or whined they had a signal, putting their hand on his leg - that meant "Pay attention, I don't like what you are doing". Somehow that physical touch was the key. He did great.
My advice, go out sparingly, but when you do - stick to a plan.
Good luck.

We take our two "active" boys to restaurants all the time and I have found that taking them to a park before we eat to get that extra energy out helps a lot. They arent autistic, but my five year old is ADHD and taking him outto eatcan be a tiring experience! I have also found that if I complement him about how good he is being, what a gentleman he is being and what excellent manners he has, he will try even harder to please us. If its a really nice restaurant, we get a babysitter because I know the kids will have more fun at home playing and we will have more fun not being stressed out.
It looks like Simon had fun at the Portland Childrens museum. We went there this summer when we visited my parents and the kids LOVED it there. I have a funny picture in the water area of my two year old chasing a guy in a really nice suit about to pour a cup of water on him! Luckily i was quick enough to grab the water from him before the man got soaked. We all loved the clay area too! That was too much fun. I plan to go back on our next trip to see mom and dad.

Hey Ali,
I work with autistic children as an intervention specialist. You asked some really good questions that are challenging to answer. On one hand you're trying to enjoy an evening out with family, but on the other you're questioning the compromises you have to make in order to enjoy that night out. I always tell parents of my students to think about how important it is to share an experience (like going out to dinner) with their child and what it will take in order to enjoy that experience. If you're stressing and Simon is not wanting to sit (which most children his age, autistic or not, won't want to do) then maybe you shouldn't bring him along, or maybe you could do something more kid friendly, like just go out for dessert somewhere. I think that any parent with an autistic child has to have different expectations for their children. No one will know better than you what Simon can and can't do, so instead of doing things that lead to stress, think of other ways to enjoy your time together. I love the idea shared about providing incentives (like a sticker chart) - that's a great way to reinforce positive behavior and many children respond well to it. They see their small successes (earning one sticker) lead to the bigger picture (filling up the chart and earning a reward). Just remember to make the first reward he earns very easy - set him up for success, then gradually increase your expectations. Parenting is a challenge - special needs or otherwise - and what is equally challenging is allowing some time for yourself. I used to resent my son when his behavior would interfere with something I wanted to do. Now I try to step back and view the situation through his eyes, keeping in mind where he is developmentally. It's not fair of me to expect more of him than what he is capable of. Good luck, and WOW - Simon is very blessed to have you!

Hi ali,
I do not have a child with autism, but I have worked with Autistic children and adults for years. I do not have any great answers. Resturants are hard- even if your child does not have autism. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job. You know your child the best and you know what he and you can handle. Exposing him to situations is a great experience for both of you. You can't always avoid them- so practicing is good. How would you know what he/you could handle if you were never exposed to public situations. Take Care.

I have no experience in this area other than being a mother of two. Special needs children are ALL different. You, as his mother, knows him best. You will know from trial and error as well. We do wind up training our children. It may take longer, it may take some time...only you truly know him and what he can handle (again from trial and error I'm afraid.)
Perhaps, however, next time agree to attend this type of occassion but only go for a drink or two and appetizer or coffee & dessert? I'm sure your family is understanding. They can only be grateful that you come in the first place. Think of you often with your quest in raising such a special handsome boy. I think you are doing a rockin' job.

Hi Ali...
This is my first time posting. :o)
You've gotten so much wonderful support and great ideas here! I don't really have anything new to add, but really wanted to put in my $.02 worth of encouragement. You are doing such a wonderful job! And it really is a little KID thing, and not an autism thing... while I'm sure that the autism does present unique challenges and I honor that. Eating out is really tough with kids. I am going to use some of these ideas myself!
You are a great mother. And Simon sounds like a really neat kid.
Peace and Blessings.

Hi Ali,
I always enjoy your posts about Simon. He is such a cutie and you have such a wonderful attitude and willingness to help him. There are lots of good ideas in the comments here.
One thing that worked well for us was a trick they used in the ABA based school our son went to. They encouraged us to use a lot of positive reinforcement: when he was sitting appropriately tell him "I like the way you are sitting at the table!" and then give him a little skittle or some sort of reinforcer. This helps when they are young and you are trying to teach an appropriate behavior. Gradually you fade the amount of reinforcers and then eventually the praise alone is enough. When they are out of their seat you can praise someone else like "Dad, I love the way you are sitting in your seat!" and sometimes that will work to get them on track. I know that praise has always worked well for my son Alex.
That said, restaurants are tough environments. There is a lot of noise and it is a difficult situation so I think it is more than ok to make some adjustments for the happiness of your son. We still do. Alex is 12 now and we try to get him to participate with the group for a few minutes and then we let him play with his game boy. When Simon gets a little older you may want to look into a game boy for him. It has been a huge help for us in public situations! We let our son wear a fanny pack and keep his game boy in there and then he knows that if he makes it through what we ask him to do then he will get time to play. :)
I really believe it gets easier as they get older. The age that Simon is now was the most difficult for Alex. So hang in there and keep doing all the great stuff that you do!
Katie
(aka Katie the Scrapbook Lady)
P.S. this is such a great post that I would love to include an entry about it on my autism blog and link to you if that is ok? My autism blog is http://autisminthenews.blogspot.com/ and my scrapbook blog is http://scrapbooklady.blogspot.com/

What I try to do for our son and for my kids when I was teaching is to try to set them up for success. Sounds like you all did that. I wouldn't suggest going out when he's having a bad time or when he is super tired. Kids just can't be expected to handle busy environments when they're tired. I don't do my best then, why would a 4 year old?
If you already have a laptop, perhaps the dvd option. I like what the lady said about hanging in the foyer. If that wouldn't overstimulate it might be a "special treat" especially if you and Chris were seated near the door. I don't know if that would be a privelege and if he would like the idea of being a big boy on his own for a bit. Or sitting in a corner of the rest. near the back where Simon could carve out his own space away from people. Maybe circled in with the help of a plant or something. That would give him a defined space and let him chill on his own but still out of people's way and with minimal disruption.
Remember though, the folks you are dining with (esp. family) love your Simon. Even if he is a kid with different needs, he's still a kid and you can expect to ask people to make some concession to children.
Might also ask Simon's teachers what they would suggest. They know him well (certainly better than I do) and might be able to help you trouble shoot for the future.

Ali... you're doing a great job and were as prepared as you probably could have been for the restaurant challenge. I'm with some of the others. It is more a "kid" thing than an "autistic" behavior. We have 5 grandchildren (8,6, two that are 3 and a 16 month old). It is always such a fiasco going to a restaurant with them, even kid-friendly. Someone (nd most of the time two of them)are always having a "meltdown" and demanding our attention. You just have to do the best you can and adapt to the situation or need. Children do need to learn to behave in social situations but at these ages only so much can be expected. Good luck!

Ali,
If you saw my 4 1/2 year old son, who doesn't have autism, eating at my home or a restaurant, you might think he'd been found in the forest, raised by wolves! I want to yell out, "we're nice people, really we are!"
It is the age. To expect other behavior is setting oneself up for disappointment I think. We take Ethan to restaurants and they aren't Chuck E Cheese, but we go at an ungodly hour, like 5:30 when all of the really elderly people go and it seems more like lunch really:) Reminds me of an old Seinfeld episode. I digress... Anyway, he is much better at that hour and we are gone before the majority of people under 70 get there so he won't bother them if he is bouncing around in the booth or being too loud or whatever.
My daughter, now 18, was the same way. Her dad used to spend most of the meal outside with her while I ate by myself (it was wonderful really)! I think she was 5 or 6 years old before they joined me again. She is a joy to eat with now, even though she has a habit of ordering the most expensive thing on any menu!
Good Luck,
Michelle

Ali - I think you are doing just fine . . .Simon seems like a great little boy. . .I really enjoy reading about him, as I am the mom of a typically developed 5 YO (I know the lingo, as he attends the GREATEST preschool that mainstreams special needs kids - many of which have autism)who has a lot of the same issues. . .some of it - is just being a little boy. Ryan has a hard time with sitting still - for any period of time. . .restaraunts are really tough - confined space. . .we all just do the best we can, and do what feels right in the moment. . .you and your husband seem to have a wonderfully close relationship with your son - and that's what a little boy needs most in the world. Hugs and warm thoughts -
Hillary

:) Ali- wow! how lucky you are to get such great advice and comments. Some of it reminded and helped me to think more with my 1 and 2 year old going out to eat, etc... So glad I read this today!

Ali--here is what works for our 2.5 yo DD (who is not autistic). 1) even though she can sit in a "big girl chair" for fancier restaurants (i.e. a place where you dont carry your food to your table on a tray... LOL!) I always get her a high chair so it is harder for her to escape. 2) I always bring a variety of toys for her to play with including crayons. each differnt thing is brought out one at a time to make it last longer! 3) we always immediately order her food so it comes right away and she doesnt have to wait. 4) when she gets antsy, and can no longer sit, we leave. even if it means packing up half our food. While we try ot set limits and teach her to sit, she is still a toddler so we go with the flow. it seems to work much better than trying to get her to sit still in a place that wants really meant for 2 year olds! 5) we never go anywhere with her when its time for a nap, and 6) I try to avoid any place and time where another couple may have paid a baby sitter to be there to enjoy a quiet meal without their kids.. LOL!
it seems to me like you are doing a great job with Simon and he is just being a toddler. I think sometimes other parents expect to much from their little ones in situations like that.

Hi Ali,
My 5 year old Vince is on the autism spectrum and me & my husband also had the same issues with eating out. We also have a 2 1/2 year old so eating out is an adventure! Let me tell you, it does get better with time! We only eat at kid friendly places. Or if we do eat at a place that is borderline kid friendly, we eat very early before the lunch or dinner rush hour so that the restaurant is not as crowded. Yes, we've eaten many lunches at 10:30 am and dinners at 4 pm. We almost always request a booth. We also eat often at this one Chinese restuarant. Because we go there so often, Vince knows the menu and loves the familiar surroundings. When Vince was Simon's age, we brought whatever toys he was into at the time with us. We used the reward system to get Vince to sit still. If he stood up in his chair, we were strict with him but also kept in mind Vince's limitations. As a last resort, we did take turns walking around the restaurant with him. I believe only once did we have to just leave the restaurant because it wasn't a good day for Vince. But the more we exposed Vince to restaurants, the better he got. Like I said, it does get better with time. When we go out to eat, we still choose kid friendly places but Vince is so good! He is able to sit throughout the whole meal and we don't have to bring toys to the table anymore. I still keep some toys in my purse at all times in case of emergency.
Hang in there Ali! You are doing a fabulous job!
Jenny

I just read the best book...Asbergers Syndrome, The Universe, and Everything by Kenneth can't remember his last name, but he is a 10 year old boy. You may be able to find it just by the title. I am a spec ed teacher and just loved this book because it's so simple and such an amazing glimpse into a 'different' perception.