Seeing.

I can soooooo sympathize with you!!! LOL First off...love that resturant!!! We've been and it is definitely yummy! Second, we celebrated my birthday at Chevys last night..3 small babies...screaming and yelling their cheeks off...LOL drawing crayon on windows..LOL Well thank heavens it is a "LOUD" place, because NO ONE noticed! LOL My kinda dining for now!!! Thus we get to go out once a month! :) Totally normal!!!

Ali:
I have 2 girls 6 & 8..
My husband and I from the time they were two yrs old until just about now got to the point where we REFUSED to spend $$ at restaurant only to leave tortured, stressed and broke. We had long talks about restaurant manners, the privelage of eating out, and the requirements involved - - and then we juggle the category of restaurant i.e - if kid friendly or not. They do much better now - there is hope! I don't think it's just an autistic thing - it is just being a kid. They love certain places and atmospheres and like potty training those are the places we endure in order to TRAIN them in the right behavior mode - - painful, not fun but necessary. They love the Japenese grill places - the compromise - we get to order sushi and they eat fried rice and enjoy the show at the table..which they love but they now understand in order to get to go there they have to be in that restaurant mode. Just know that you are going through what EVERY family goes through and are doing all the right things. Books, crayons, stickers - getting up to walk a bit while food is being cooked - it's all good. and then one day - BAM! he'll get it - you and Chris will smile at each other and then you'll know that all those tiring outings were well worth it! Kids are like puppies - they can chew, tear up and destroy many things - with a bit of love and compromise eventually they'll get it! (did I just compare my girls to dogs?? - -- lol!!! wonder why!! ) have a great day - I think you are an awesome person.

Reading your blog today was like reading the thoughts in my mind - Ryan and I have been struggling with these exact same thoughts lately! Does Madi do that because of her Autism, or cause we let her, or cause of her little attitude right now? It's so hard to find that 'line' to distinguish which it is. We used to not be able to take Madi anywhere - she was out of control. But after her schooling she has really gotten better with it. We still don't really take her out to dinner though - just plan to leave her back - which is hard sometimes. We need to go try though!
No real advice, but just wanted you to know your not alone in your thoughts. Each kid with autism is so different cause so many different elements affect them - I just wish sometimes there was a solid handbook that I could refer too! Oh to dream! (: Hugs girl!

You know, I've NEVER been to the museum! I always did OMSI growing up. I didn't even know it exsisted (pretty sad, as I have been a native PDX girl all my life).
Love the pics. TFS your blog w/ us.

oh, Ali, if you didn't question then we'd worry about you!! Good parents always worry!! Simon has parents who care and that is the most important thing. Just keep caring and keep worrying and you will all be okay!

My son has Aspergers and is 11 now. I remember those days... seems like yesterday. Here is what helped us:
- I had a bag (small messenger bag) that I carried with us like a diaper bag. It had a notepad, color pencils, small cars that only stayed in the bag (so they were special), other small figures and some color books. This bag also had dry snack (gold fish, cherios). My osn looked forward to getting to play with the special cars when we were out.
- We picked restaraunts that "worked" for us. Trial and error, and in hindsight I now know why the ones worked and didn't work. My son does not like loud noisey places, so places like Red Robin had just too much sensory overload for him. We had a fish and chips place in town that was mellow, but not fancy and they gave the kids a color sheet to color and a small cup of fish crackers - we ate at this place a lot.
- Meltdowns - no matter what they happen. And our kids don't have them to make their parents mad - they have them because their brains are overloaded and they are trying to cope. The only thing we could do is leave - AND this was a good lesson for my son. He knew if he got to the meltdown phase we would leave and I really felt that he tried hard to calm himself so he wouldn't have to leave.
There were certain times when we got invited out with friends and when we got to the restaurant I KNEW it wasn't going to happen. At times I would just order a salad because I knew I would need to go take a walk with my son.
And, the good news is that things get better, they learn to cope more, it is wonderful!
Good Luck

I just wanted to add that I think it is important for all kids to "learn" how to eat in a restaraunt. So you definately don't want to cut out all eating out.
Also the one thing I've learned with my son is that negative consequences have little affect - but positive ones work wonders. I am trying to convince his 6th grade teacher of this and she is having a hard time understanding that all kids are not wired the same way.
Susan

I just wanted to add that I think it is important for all kids to "learn" how to eat in a restaraunt. So you definately don't want to cut out all eating out.
Also the one thing I've learned with my son is that negative consequences have little affect - but positive ones work wonders. I am trying to convince his 6th grade teacher of this and she is having a hard time understanding that all kids are not wired the same way.
Susan

I think you really have to pick your battles. Other parents may think you're nuts- but you know what works for your child and ultimately- what's the most important. Of course you have to work in some areas- but with a special needs child you can really make every moment of every day miserable if you try to enforce ALL of the typical rules. It's not fair to youor them. I can remember a few days where i have cried simply because the entire day was SO NEGATIVE! I had to remind myself that my first and most important job is to just love my children. If the love isn't being felt then it's time to re-evaluate the priorities and renegotiate your boundaries.
I know that if I want to have a good time at a restauraunt I need to find a sitter. It bites- but if not I usually don't enjoy things. I know almost every 2-3 year old boy is going to want to get up and run around when he loses intrest in dinner. It's the age :-)

I distinctly remember this one time Joe and I took the boys out to eat. They must have been 2 and 4. We looked at each other and said, "why are we doing this to ourselves." Taking anyone under the age of 5 out to eat is hard.

Ali,
This was the first time I've looked at your blog and came across this post.
My sister has 4 boys, the oldest is autistic, and the second youngest has asbergers syndrome. Eating out was very difficult when they were little. The oldest is now 11 and does quite well. When we would all go out, it was usually a family friendly resturant. Adults took turns walking with the oldest when he got into the mood to walk around. He also needed to be depressurized - tight hugs, close quarters. Those are things you will have to learn about your son from therapy. It varies by child. Both boys had dietary issues as well and she would just pack food for them. That also got better by the way. They eat what everyone else eats now.
I do think that by taking them all out to eat actually prepared them for the expectations of what it means to go to a restuarant. I know how hard it is. One time I didn't hug him hard enough and he bit the snot outta my arm! It happens. I cried for 20 minutes because it hurt and also I felt I had let him down. It is so frustrating! But they do hear you and understand. You just get to repeat yourself more than most and one day the light bulb goes off. They get it. Just know you are preparing him for the future with every outing.
The world isn't so big and scary the more they get out there and learn how similar things are. Routines are good too. I think if you frequented the same resturant, he would learn what to expect. It might be a really good idea to let him roam early on and evaluate the place. Like where the bathrooms are, the exits, the cash register. The kitchen - we don't go in there - that kind of stuff. He might settle down faster having already explored his surroundings. Just some suggestions. I hope they help.
Other ideas, my 4yr old loves Thomas trains and we would let him pack a few into the resturant to play with. Magna doodles worked good too. They have a smaller version that is easier to pack. Good luck!

My younger brother (27) has autism. He wasn't diagnosed until 12. My parents rarely took him to a restaurant. Plus he has so many food allergies as it is. My brother just couldn't handle large crowds. My parents often did not attend church, and generally staying clear of places with crowds. When he was older he was able to occasionally go to restaurants.
I suspect my 3 year old nephew has a form of autism. How do I bring it up to my sister in law and brother in law?
Thank you for your inspiring articles, and scrapbook pages.
Kendra

i see you got a lot of response. can you not bring him to the table until the food is being served. Then you can give him his special snacks and save the toys and other treats for when people are finishing up.

Ali:
I think you are amazing. Any restaurant experience with children is challenging, but for a young boy with autism it is especially challenging. The overstimulation was probably it for him, so there really isn't much you can do except to help him find ways to deal with it and bring down his anxiety. He had his food and the things he likes. . . it's like with any child in some ways. We find ways to deal with new situations and help them learn how to cope. Again, you do all the right things. I'd love for your Simon to be in my school.
Adele

Hi Ali. We have a 4yo son with PDD/NOS/ASD (alphabet soup!) and I hope it helps to know that you are definitely not alone. I probably can't add anything terribly different than what's been written here already (but maybe it helps just to be another voice that "gets it!"). I think it's better in the long run (especially if Simon is high-functioning) to try to incorporate "real events" into his life as much as possible, using all the guidelines and tips you can get from his special ed teachers.
We opt to take Sam to family-friendly restaurants, being careful to avoid places that are really loud/busy due to sensory overload. Diners work well, too, because you can pack up your food to go and leave if necessary. We use transitional language and set expectations: "we're going to eat and you have to stay in the booth while mom & dad are still eating and then you can have ice cream and THEN you can get up." Dessert is the reward which is often served while we're still eating. Like some of the other moms who wrote here, I take a small backpack everywhere we go that is full of coloring books, stickers, crayons, magna-doodle, current obsession of the moment (right now, it's small plastic Narnia characters from McD's), and a few other small, cheap goodies that stay in the backpack for this reason. We also try to eat before the big dinner rush, especially since dinner time is max-out/breakdown time for most toddlers/preschoolers, not just our little guy! And we try to use positive reinforcement but hey, we're human and have been known to roll out the dire threats, too. And sometimes, we just trade off and one of us walks around with him while the other eats. I think the trick is to be flexible and ride the moment (like so much in life!)
Your big question at the end is the one we ask ourselves the most. Are we making too many adjustments because he's "special?" I hate that we don't know and probably won't until he's older and hey, too late, then! But we read alot and we ask for advice from his teachers (phenomenal resource) and use their tricks. So we say things like "that's not a good choice" while really feeling "knock that off or you're in big trouble, kiddo!" and verbally reward him for accomplishments we might otherwise think are pretty ordinary ("GREAT job sitting down!" And we give time outs and reprimands, too. Sam happens to get very upset if he thinks he's disappointed us, so for the moment, we take advantage of that. And we hope for the best. We figure at the end of the day, we know him best and we know what he can handle and we love him and are doing the best we can. And that's what's going to help him do the best HE can.
You and Chris sound like you are doing a great job. One of Sam's teachers told us recently that the parents who ask these questions and question their abilities and "strategies" are the ones who are doing the most good, so take some comfort - OK, take a LOT of comfort - in that.
And hang in there! When we took Sam to a kids' museum for the first time, we had to pull him kicking and screaming from a water feature like one in your photo because he wanted to get in it and swim...

Hi, Ali! By the way, this is my first post, too! I have a son who is 3 now and just recently diagnosed as mildly autistic. Restaurants are a challenge for us lately as well. I think it's the noise & unfamiliar faces that kind of freak him out (sensory integration issues). But, we've found a couple of things that work at keeping him occupied for short periods of time, both of which were mentioned previously. We pack snacks that he really enjoys but that he doesn't get to eat very often; we bring a new toy, or something that he hasn't played with in a while, so it seems like a new toy. We also try not to make going out to a restaurant a long, played-out ordeal, i.e. no dessert. I don't know how long this will work, but it's working for now. I think it's important to continue to do what you normally do, like going out to eat. My feeling is that you are getting your son acclimated to your "normal" routine. It won't always be like this (at least that's what everybody tells me!!!) Good luck w/whatever decision you make!

Aw, you poor thing. Being a parent is such a tough job, isn't it? Don't be too hard on yourself. Not a single one of us does it all right, all the time. You care and you try. And THAT is what makes a great parent!

Ali,
there are so many great ideas here already. I can just add emphasis to the ones that worked for us. My daughter with Autism (HFA) is now 10 and does great. Little ones have busy bodies, there is no getting away from that, you do want to be sure you have a certain amount of structure and rules about what happens in a restaurant but also know that when a kiddo is done, autistic or not, they are just done. What is important here is thinking about "learning how" to eat out - it is a skill like reading, building a block tower or tying shoes. You have to practice. This means going out as a family. Try to think about how you want these to go and work your way to that goal.
My goal was for my daughter to sit at the table, eat her food and we would all enjoy a converstaion over dinner. It took a couple of years to get there, but we made it!! Break it up into the various skills he needs in order to be successful, think about the difference aspects of the evening as a multistep process to get through. This also helps YOU to see his progress.
Yes, you have to make accomodations, but that is true of all children. Play to Simon's strengths - structure and predictability were key for my daughter, maybe these will work well for Simon also. The rules were very similar for meal time whether we were at home, someone else's house or a restaurant.
1. waiting to be seated - good time for walking around, exploring the area, outside, keep him on his feet. Imagine that he only has 15 minutes of "sitting" ability in his body, don't waste it!
2. Getting seated at the table - my daughter has a rough time organizing her body. we have seen this in the classroom when the teacher would say, "everyone come sit on the carpet together" Elizabeth would be the last one to sit down because she did not know the "right" place to go. decide in advance who Simon will sit beside. If you are getting into a booth, talk about who gets in first, second, third, etc.
3. deciding and ordering - this is short period, hopefully!
4. waiting for the food - if possible, chat a little. talk about what you can see and smell. choose an activity for this time that is easy to stop in the middle and is quick and easy to put away. if possible, do not let him eat -- again, he will only eat so much. You want to be careful that he does not get full too soon or he will be done much earlier than everyone else. Also, having him wait until everyone else gets their food teaches good manners. We have this same rule at home -- we eat dinner together. period. (ok - there are exceptions, but who ever is in the house when dinner is ready eats together)
5. Food arrives, time to eat -- now he can eat his food. it does not matter if it is from the restaurant or something you bring. At home, when the kids are done, they have to ask to be excused. In a restuarant, they had to eat until we felt they were done and no toys are allowed. We don't allow toys at the table at home either so this is an easy rule to follow when we are out. Try to follow this one when going to fast food and a toy comes with the kids meal -- here again the rule is they have to finish eating before they can open the toy. Also - practice having conversations during this time. Ask about his food, his school, his friends, anything. This will slow down his eating, too and by you a few minutes to finish yours. Start with 1-2 questions.
6. He is done, you are not -- this is when it gets tricky. My goal for this time was for her to entertain herself until we finished eating. This is the time to bring out special toys. We had a bag that carried these and I tried to keep some fresh new things in there. ideas include magnadoodles -- my kids loved erasing the drawings! -- and paper for drawing. If you can do something different it makes it more interesting. For examples, lots of little ones use crayons at home and school, so bring colored pencils to the restaurant. I had one of those little handheld sharpeners (that captures the shavings) and sometimes that was a big hit -- my daughter would just sharpen the pencils for 10 minutes! (I did not bring markers, I think they are too easy to make messes) I have seen placemats with "road scenes" which could be fun for table play. Another item that I never allowed at home, but was immensely fun on airplanes was "paint with water" book. Have you seen these? They come with a paintbrush and there is color on the page. The child uses a damp brush to release the colors. Use just 1/2 an inch of water in a small glass. This is also another converstaion starter -- LOOK what you did, what color is that, what is in that picture, etc...
7. you are finished and waiting for the bill -- let him know that clean up time is coming (you have 3 minutes left). If he is *done* sitting, he can stand up or go for a walk with someone else who has finished eating.
The sticker idea above is a good one - consistent positive reinforcement is key. when you "catch" him being good give him a word of praise, a smile or a sticker for a reward. For little ones, earning the sticker is sometimes reward enough. If he is acting up, tell him there will be a reward if he earns 5 stickers (or whatever appropriate number).
Personally, I would not have used a DVD player because it would not contribute to my dining out goal. I can see using it at another time, a wedding for example, since the child really is expected to sit quietly and do nothing.
This was really long - sorry. There is a tough road ahead so set goals big and small, celebrate success in every form.
Kind Regards,
Jen

Ali, I have been a big fan of yours but was not aware your kids are on a gluten-free diet. I am on one also,and it is tough. If you are ever in the Denver, CO area, let me take you and yours out to dinner at a kid-friendly gluten-free restaurant that just opened here a few months ago!
Michele

Ali - the book Dawn mentioned - "Aspergers, the Universe & Everything" is written by Kenneth Hall. It was written when he was 10 years old & he lives in the UK (so there are some fun Britishism in there). The book is published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (who publish a lot of books about autism) It is a wonderful book about how a child on the spectrum percieves the world around us. I think that you will find it fascinating!